Taylor Lautner Shirtless
by RisingTwilight
Summary: We were both in mortal danger. Mostly from ourselves. Still, now that I had my man back in my life, there was a 95.99% chance that I wouldn't try to kill myself again. Or maybe 81.69%. But you get the point. The epic sequel to Insert Fail Symbolism Here.
1. Prologue

_Well hello there. Hopefully I'm seeing some familiar faces, as well as some new ones. For those new ones, welcome to the second installment of my _twilight_ parody. The first is uploaded here on and is called Insert Fail Symbolism Here. If you are sufficiently intrigued, I suggest you go read it. I've ****ed enough things up that this will be hard to follow if you haven't read its prequel. _

_ This parody will cover the entirety of _new moon_, and every chapter of _Taylor Lautner Shirtless _will correspond to a chapter of _new moon. _This particular one corresponds to the prologue of _new moon, _and is significantly short then my average chapter will be. _

_ To those you familiar with Insert Fail Symbolism Here, good to see you again! Hopefully this continues to make you laugh. And hopefully the title lived up to your expectations. _

_ And just one final thing: don't forget to review! I always love hearing what you think. _

Sometimes I want to punch that mother ****er we call life in the face.

Other times I just want to punch Edward.

I mean, I love him and all, but there are times when I wish he didn't overreact to everything … and was less of a stalker … and looked better with his shirt off… come to think of it, there are times when I wish Edward was Jacob. Hmmm.

But then again, there are times when I wish that Jacob would quit trying to **** my daughter, so it all evens out.

Oh, oopsie. I'm getting sidetracked. Which is very not good, because everyone is counting on me to save their ***es. They should probably stop doing that. I mean, I've gotta be the most helpless, overly dependant, hormone crazed teenage girl out there. And they're all sparkly, strong vampires with superpowers. Someone is certainly dropping the ball here. Sheesh, if they're not careful, we're going to end up in some terrible situation that promises us all certain death, and I'll have to bust out some deus-ex-machina superpower in order to save everyone. That would be suckish. And make for a crappy climax.

Woops, did it again. Focus. Saving everyone. Right.

Okay, seriously? Why the **** did he have to go to Italy just to commit suicide? Couldn't he just go die in a fire? Oh, that boy. Such a drama queen.

But he's my drama queen, so I sprinted across the plaza and hoped I wasn't too late.

Suicide: DON'T pass it on.


	2. Overreaction is Fun

_ Sleep, my greatest adversary. One day I shall defeat thee. _

"Alright," Edward said, rubbing his temples. "I realize that this should not come as a surprise, considering precedent, but seriously? It's a birthday, **** it."

Angry tears gathered at the corners of Sue's eyes, putting the finishing touch on her pouting face. Her arms were crossed sulking over her chest. "THIS SUCKS_._ I HATE MY LIFE._"_

Edward sighed. "Come now, Capslock? Considering you more or less do nothing but overreact for this whole novel—and series—you're going to end up burning out our readers' eyes."

"BUT I'M ANGRY."

"Somehow, I got that impression. Is it really necessary to overreact to _everything_?"

"LIKE YOU'RE ANY BETTER," Sue said pointedly, and, as we will shortly find out, truthfully.

"Yes, well, when I overreact, I don't damage our readers," Edward said, waving his hand airily. "I just generally **** things up royal."

"WELL—" Sue began, but was cut off by Edward holding a finger to her lips.

"Ah ah," he said. "No more capslock or I'll have to rip out your jugular."

In light of this rather convincing argument, Sue nodded in mute agreement, and Edward removed the finger, allowing her to once more fill Liaf's carriage, which was, by the way, in route to Chez Cullen, with her terrible insightful conversation.

"Well," Sue said, "that's just lovely, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Edward, "Yes it is. Now, is there any particular reason you are acting like I'm dragging you to the gallows instead of a party, where the whole point is to shower you with very nice gifts in order to celebrate you going another year without making the acquaintance of death?"

"I had a dream," Sue said.

"Oh?" asked Edward, quirking a brow that was, believe it or not, perfect.

"I was old," Sue said, eyes wide with horror.

"Oh my," said Edward in the most unfascinated manner possible. "So am I. You don't see me complaining."

Sue shot him a deep glare. "It's not the same thing. If we actually think about your age for a moment, our relationship is beyond creepy. Also, it seems weird that you're still an angst ridden teenager. Most people that live past a hundred emulate toddlers, not teenagers."

Edward shrugged. "Hey, I like me some High School boot-ay. And most high school girls seem to go for creepers and/or ***holes, so that's what I went for. And our relationship is pedobear approved, thank you very much. But anyways, so what if you get old? In case you hadn't noticed, that is, in fact, an unavoidable part of being human. Might as well just suck it up now and go get Botox later."

Sue continued to glare. She was going to hurt _her _eyes if this kept up. "So what if it's going to happen to all our readers that don't die young? I am Mary Freaking Sue, and I am special. I don't have to die or age. I get to live in perfect-happy-wonderful-sparkle-land forever and ever, and **** anyone who tries to tell me this is setting an unrealistic, unattainable ideal for the next generation of females."

After the end of these two monologues (more or less summing up the characters), Liaf yelled back, "You two have to be the most delusional crappy wannabe role models out there."

They, of course, ignored him.

"After that touching speech," said Edward, wiping a nonexistent tear from his eye, "It pains me to point out that I am, in fact, the one with the fangs, and therefore the power. So enjoy your wrinkles, you hag."

If struck with sufficient force, even diamond can have a reaction.

Edward rubbed at his now sore cheek as he said, "Anyways, why don't we change the subject. Let's talk about... oh, I don't know… suicide!"

"Wut?" Sue said.

"Suicide!" said Edward, waving his arms excitedly. "You know, that thing where you kill yourself!"

Sue blinked at him. "I got that much. It just struck me as a random thing to bring up. Particularly on my birthday."

Edward shrugged. "Foreshadowing: It comes when you least expect it."

"I don't think I like where this is going…" Sue said.

"But anyway, if you had to kill yourself, how would you do it?" Edward asked.

Sue finally gave in and answered. "I dunno. Probably go jump off a cliff or something. Or maybe by refusing an abortion during a life threatening pregnancy. Or, failing all else, I could just have you om nom nom me to death. How about you?"

Edward couldn't answer for a minute, as he was too busy salivation over the prospect of noming Sue. He shook his head to clear it, then replied, "Hmm… I suppose I'd get the Volturi to do it."

"What the **** are the Volturi and why do they already have an eerie similarity to the Vatican?" Sue asked.

"They're a bunch of creepy old guys who do nothing but sit around in Italy providing us with an emergency villain for when the story is lacking conflict [guess how often that is] and try to add gifted children to their collection."

"Collection?" Sue asked.

Edward shuddered delicately. "You don't want to know."

"Righty," Sue said. "So, out of curiosity, why the **** do you need to go to Italy just to die? Sporks is a pretty dangerous place, judging from the number of times I've nearly died. Surely you could find a way to kill yourself here. I bet Liaf would be more than happy to help you. And there is always the 'throw yourself on a fire' method."

Edward rolled his eyes. "*****, please. If I wanted easy, I would have ****ed you ages ago. What I'm looking for from my death is drama! Tension! Thrill!"

"It's suicide," Sue said flatly.

"So?" Edward asked politely. "Oh hai look we're here!"

They pulled up to Chez Cullen, which had been decorated with a massive banner that said, "Happy Birthday!"

If looks could kill, Edward wouldn't have to worry about suicide.

He skipped into the house. Sue glumly trailing him. The inside was not much better, considering the decorator had been Alice. She'd chosen so interesting colors, though.

"Well," Sue said. "Let's get this over with."

"Yay!" Alice deposited Sue's presents in her lap, and Sue promptly began to open them.

However, it was not long before the most deadly of all foes made its appearance: the paper cut. The festivities abruptly came to an end.

"Oh, darn," Sue said, but was stopped from any further comment, or, more likely, just moving on with her life, by Edward, who was flying at her.

"OVERREACTION TIME GO!" He screamed, crashing into her and sending them flying into a table of glass plates, which promptly shattered. Sue and Edward were both pincushionified by the glass fragments

As they landed in a pool of blood on the floor, Edward dazedly asked, "Is it **** things up time yet?"


	3. When's That Taylor Guy Show Up? He's Hot

_Last time, on TAYLOR LAUTNER SHIRTLESS_:

"OVERREACTION TIME GO!" Edward screamed, crashing into her and sending them flying into a table of glass plates, which promptly shattered. Sue and Edward were both pincushionified by the glass fragments.

As they landed in a pool of blood on the floor, Edward dazedly asked, "Is it **** things up time yet?"

_Now, we rejoin our heroes._

For a moment, Sue attempted to come up with a fitting response to Edward, as the blood steadily turned the floor red beneath her. Then she was aware of a strange _cold _sensation on her arm. She turned to see Edward steadily licking the strange mixture of frosting and blood off her arm. This, of course, left her even more unable to properly respond.

Edward was not so afflicted. "Nothing says happy birthday like cake, don't you agree?" he asked, a reddish-pink smear at the corner of his smile.

And this was, of course, even harder to respond to. Fortunately, Sue was saved from having words fail her by Jasper suddenly lunging at her jugular. This brought with it its own set of problems, but at least it aided her somewhat.

Sue was not, however, thinking this at the time. Her thoughts were more along the lines of _OMGJasperWTF. _Or something to that degree.

Edward, fortunately, kept his wits about him (there was not much to keep), and grabbed Sue, screamed, "MY DESSERT!" and punched Jasper in the face.

There was a moment of silence, as Jasper fell to the floor, Edward continued to clutch Sue, and everyone either looked on with mild interest or away with mild disinterest (that would be Rosalie).

Then the moment passed, and Jasper stood up, walked a little ways away, and stared at the corner of the room.

Also, Sue passed out.

"Whelp," Carlisle said, clapping his hands. "I'll take care of Sue," he removed her from Edward's care. "The blood on the floor is free game."

Carlisle then left the room, and the brewing brawl.

********

Sue woozily came to in another room. Carlisle was in the process of stitching her arm back together. She groaned, and Carlisle smiled down at her.

"Ergh… what happened?" she said.

"Blood loss, I assume," Carlisle said. "Your arm's half off, and you were sitting there for quite a while. I'm just putting you back together right now."

"Ah. Where's everyone else?"

"Oh, they're just helping me clean up," Carlisle said. Sue wasn't sure just how truthful that statement was. From what she could hear from the main room, cleaning had apparently become a contact sport. Nonetheless, Sue simply nodded in agreement.

Carlisle continued his work on her arm. Sue watched him for a moment, but watching the needle have its way with her flesh got a little disturbing after a while, so she looked around the room. Like the Cullens themselves, it was just a perfect little room, pale and bland as ****.

"So," Carlisle said, shattering the silence. "Wanna hear a completely random story about how I changed Edward 'cause he was so PERFECT?"

"Wut?" Sue said, a little caught off guard.

"But first," said Carlisle, "I need to add a religious theme to this book! Yup, yup, yup. Vampires, sex, and religion. What a great combination. Goes together like Taylor Lautner and shirts."

"Wat?" said Sue.

Carlisle then spent the next five minutes preaching about being saved, and asking Sue if she, had, in fact found Jesus. He somehow had a brochure to give to her.

"… any questions?" he finally finished. Sue woke up, and shook her head. "Good," Carlisle said.

He went back to stitching her arm.

"Umm…" Sue said. "Weren't you going to tell me about Edward? Also, isn't it kinda hard to be super religious if you're gay?"

Carlisle shrugged. "Babe, this is the way I figure it. I've been doing this whole homosexual thing for a long time. A really, really, long time. I figure if god hasn't smited me yet, then I'm good."

"I see," said Sue, ignoring the lightening that was flashing outside the wind. "So, Edward?"

"Oh, right!" Carlisle said. "Well, it all began when Edward's mom died. She was nice and all, but it was kinda creepy how she kept hitting on me, because she was a woman and had a kid and was dying and her husband's dead body was rotting on the bed next to hers. Also, she had bronze hair. What a freak.

"But anyway, she kinda died, but not before saying, 'If you rape my dying son, I'll ****ing smite you myself.'" Carlisle paused for a moment. "I suppose she was slightly bitter about me rejecting her advances.

"But anyways, then she died, and I threw her body in the morgue before coming back to check out this son of hers. And man, I gotta say, I considered risking it for a moment there. 'Cause, I mean, after all, he was _perfect_.

"Of course, that's when he woke up for a moment and said, 'I have herpes and I'm not afraid to use it,' before falling unconscious again.

"Faced with my most bitter of foes—herpes—I had only one course of action. I vamp'd Edward. Which had the added bonus of making him even more _perfect_.

"After three days of tremendous pain and much screaming, Edward was less than thrilled. And waking up to see me didn't help him out any.

"I tried to… explain… certain things to him, but he didn't take it very well. And man, that kid is a fast runner. When I found him, a week later, he was sitting at a bar, twitching, repeating 'why can't I get drunk," over and over again.

"He then ran away again and tried to be batman or something for like ten years. He failed miserably and came crying back to me in tights. I eventually took him back in after much… _apologizing_." Carlisle cackled evilly, "But then I got Esme, and Edward went about his womanizing ways. And everyone was happy." Carlisle smiled, and it was somehow creepier than the laugh.

Sue blinked. "Erm… wow," she said. "That's quite the story there."

"Yup," Carlisle said, but was stopped from saying anything further by Edward calling to them.

"Hey are you done yet? I need to destroy Heroin's life!"

Sue had a bad feeling about this.

_Next time, on TAYLOR LAUTNER SHIRTLESS:_

"NOOOOOOO! Don't leave me! Think of our readers! Who wants to read that much angst?"

"I'm sorry, Heroin, you just don't do that for me anymore."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

_blank page blank page blank page blank page_

_Fun times ahead, on TAYLOR LAUTNER SHIRTLESS…_


	4. In Which There is Much Tree Murder

_So I totally meant to start this chapter way earlier and not procrastinate like I always do, but unfortunately I decided to download Mario Paint Composer about five minutes before I was going to start writing. Baaaad idea. Sure, I'll stop procrastinating. Tomorrow. _

_The paragraph on deforestation comes from the Wikipedia page on deforestation. Though I did insert one phrase into it._

Sue timidly poked her head into the main room of Chez Cullen. The room was empty except for Edward, sitting on one of the white couches. The sheer paleness of the combo was blinding.

He smiled at her—a smile that was more than a little malicious, though Sue probably thought it was more along the lines of perfect—and said, "Sit down, Heroin, we need to talk."

Something about the way he said it—or maybe it was the way the rest of the Cullens were carrying all their stuff to their cars—made Sue nervous, but, as she had already sacrificed any shreds of independence she had long ago, she was unable to refuse Edward and as such scurried to his side. It was a good thing she'd never have to try to live without a man at her side, though. Sue wouldn't know what to do! She might even resort to drastic measures in such a situation, like committing suicide—or just getting a dog or something. Yeah, that would be nice: something nice and warm and friendly, something to hug and then throw away the instant sparkle-face Edward returned…

"Heroin!" Edward said impatiently. "The Ed is speaking. Therefore, the wimminz should be listening."

"Huh? What? Right," Sue said, finally achieving some semblance of focus on Edward. He looked unconvinced.

Nonetheless, he said, "Anyways, like I was saying while you were foreshadowing, you just don't do it for me anymore, heroin. In the good old days, your blood was all I could think about. I just wanted more and more. But now, you practically bleed out on my nice white carpet, and I feel nothing. The magic is gone, heroin."

Sue's face frozen in a smile. "What," she asked, "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, heroin, that it's you, not me. It's over. We're done. Get the **** out of my house, you filthy *****, all that fun stuff," said Edward.

Sue remained absolutely frozen. Liaf, who was in the process of carrying what looked suspiciously like a collection of guns, both of the regular and water variety, down the stairs, took one look at her and sprinted out of the house. "Seriously, pretty-boy? This will not end well," he said as he passed.

Approximately five more seconds passed before Sue began to scream. "EDWARD!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!"

By that time, though, he was already gone, the carriage tottering off into the sunset.

*********

Sue was still sitting there, curled up on the white couch, when the police chief of Sporks, the Illustrious Charlie Swan, kicked down the (unlocked) door. He held his (unloaded) gun, which he promptly pointed at various targets in the room, including, but not limited to, multiple statues, his daughter, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Edward. Finally, reassured that none of these posed any threat (though I'm sure that cutout could be dangerous), he lowered his weapon, and turned his attention to Sue. Sue did not take notice of any of this, as she was too busy rocking back and forth, saying "he's gone."

Chief of Sporks Police Charlie now faced an even more daunting task than murdering all the Cullens: he had to be a parent.

He awkwardly went and sat next to Sue, and then said gruffly, "What's the matter, sweetie?"

She sobbed, "He's gone, dad! Edward's gone!"

"Thank god," said Charlie. Then he saw the look on Sue's face. "Er, I'm so sorry."

Sue dissolved into tears. "How will I live without him!" she cried.

"Shouldn't you just eat all the ice cream in our freezer and then move on with your life like a normal person?" Charlie suggested.

However, Sue was not a normal person: she was a special snowflake. And she was already to far gone to hear him.

OCTOBER

Blank page.

NOVEMBER

˙əƃɐd ʞuɐlq

DECEMBER

"Deforestation occurs for many reasons: trees or derived charcoal are used as, or sold, for fuel or as a commodity, while cleared land is used as pasture for livestock, plantations of commodities, and settlements. It has adverse impacts on biosequestration of atmospheric carbon dioxide. Deforested regions typically incur significant adverse soil erosion and frequently degrade into wasteland.

Disregard or ignorance of intrinsic value, lack of ascribed value, printing crappy vampire romances with blank pages, lax forest management and deficient environmental law are some of the factors that allow deforestation to occur on a large scale. In many countries, deforestation is an ongoing issue that is causing extinction, changes to climatic conditions, desertification, and displacement of indigenous people…" The guide at the Sporks Timber Museum droned on. Sue didn't hear, of course. Her mind was a BLANK PAGE.

JANUARY

Knock knock!

(You): Who's there?

Blank page!

(You): Blank page who?

…

MEANWHILE, WHERE SOMETHING INTERESTING WAS HAPPENING…

"Oh man, you ghuys are great," Edward slurred, throwing his arm around the shoulders of a lumberjack who had, once upon a time, beat the crap out of him. "Happy New Year!" Edward raised a glass of something that was certainly not red wine, though equally alcoholic, in the air.

"Happy New Year!" echoed all the other patrons of the Stump, chugging from their own glasses.

"So man," said one such patron to Edward, "Why aren'tcha with that chick 'a yours?"

Edward swayed side to side, trying to figure out what the man had just said. As you can most likely tell by know, he was making effect use of the tip James had given him a year ago. Finally, the glittery lightbulb went off in Edwards head. "Oh, that Heroin chick?" he said. "I kicked her to the curb a loooong time ago. The Ed ish tied down by no woman!"

"Yeah, whatever, pretty-boy," said Liaf, in the stool next to Edward. "Like that will last. She's tamed you, man. I give you a few months before you crack and go crawling back to her, begging for forgiveness."

"Oh yeah?" said Edward. "You're on, little man!"

"Don't regret it," Liaf said. "Here are the terms." he leaned over and whispered in Edwards's ear.

Edward drunkenly nodded once, and then fell off his stool. Liaf laughed in a manner most villan-y.

"Just you wait, pretty-boy! The day shall belong to Liaf Momih Eman!" cackled Liaf.


	5. AHHH! ZOMBIES!

_I know a zombie. She's very nice._

Time passes. Imagine that.

Sue certainly couldn't, yet somehow, time kept moving on. She didn't understand it. Edward had _left her_. How could life just simply continue on? It was impossible. The earth should have shattered, the sun should have exploded, Meyer should have written something insightful and interesting, _something. _But there was nothing. Proving that contrary to what Sue seems to believe, the world does not revolve around Edward. However, as the rest of this chapter proves, Sue most certainly does revolve around Edward. Making it ****ing pointless to write a book without him.

But Sue, being, after all, Mary ****ing Sue, assumes you care about her, so we are pulled down the rather-less-than-treacherous path of her life, as she tries to cope with something pretty much everyone will face at one time or another—rejection. The difference between Sue and most sane people was that sane people put the ice cream down after a week. Sue was still going strong after four months.

This fact did not go over well with her cop father. He had been rather surprised to find his daughter screaming in the Cullen house. He was rather dismayed to find the only way to get her to shut up was to funnel rocky road down her throat. After all, he had been rather content with their previous arraignment—Sue bought the ice cream, and he ate it. To have the situation suddenly reversed was disconcerting at best. So it really was not surprising that one day he could take it no more, and slammed his fist down on his TV tray, sending a partially thawed chicken frozen dinner skittering across the carpet.

"That is it, Mary Sue!" he said, "It can't take any more of this!"

"Wut 'r ya talkin' bout?" She said with some difficulty around the ice-cream scoop that had taken up residence in her mouth.

"You, lard butt! All you do is sit there on the couch, eat ice cream, and play zombie apocalypse videogames! You're like a zombie yourself!" Charlie shouted, proving once more that he was an excellent father.

Sue did not respond for a moment, as she was busy whacking a zombie with a mannequin. Once she had succeeded in said task, she ate another spoonful of ice cream, then finally focused on Charlie, with some slight difficulty. "You'll regret saying that when the zombie apocalypse really does strike. I, with my newfound knowledge of human-zombie warfare, as well as my extra energy reserves," she indicated the forty pounds she had gained over the last few months, "shall be the herald of the new kind of humanity, while you have your brain eaten by a zombified McDonald's worker."

Charlie stared open-mouthed at her, his face turning an interesting blotchy shade of red. Not only was the weirdest **** thing he had heard in his entire service as the policy chief of Sporks, it was also the first thing his daughter had said in four months. It was also the first thing she had ever said that did not involve Edward Cullen. Yes, that does include when she was a little girl. Finally, he stuttered out, "Um, yeah, you definitely need to get out more."

"Fine!" Sue said, staggering to her feet, sending the empty ice cream container and video game controller crashing to the ground. "I'll go see a zombie movie with that Fatty girl!" Then, as was the norm now, she ran to her car in tears to greet another school day.

The day too proceeded in a normal fashion. Sue blatantly ignored all the peons at the school, and the other students as well. The only thing that had changed in her entire time at Sporks High was that now, as she stared blankly at the wall, her thoughts were not on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (as she had taken to calling Edward, since she was still too fragile to even think his name but for the pain it would cause) but rather Left For Dead 2.

But today was different. For today, Sue had to talk to Fatty.

The nickname had become more than a little ironic, considering that Fatty was about fifty pounds lighter than Sue now, but of course Sue didn't see things that way. After all, Fatty was a commoner—and worse, a mortal—and that meant Sue was better than her. _No matter what. _

Sue kept that in mind as she bestowed upon Fatty the honor of her voice. "Hey, um… um… you. You wanna go see _Kiss Your Jugular Goodbye_ with me today after school?"

For a moment, Fatty did nothing but stare at Sue incredulously. Not only was the fat creeper zombie girl talking to her in an extraordinarily rude manner, but Fatty, along with the rest of the school, had assumed that Sue had become mute after a terrible incident with Edward, in revenge for which Charlie, Police Chief of Sporks, had driven them from town. To find this was not the case was rather disappointing.

Plus— "Isn't that the most disgusting movie ever made? The critics gave it three-fourths of a star," said Fatty.

Sue rolled her eyes. "It has zombies in it. How can it be bad. Are you coming or not?"

"Why the **** would I want to go see a ****ty zombie movie with a ***** like you? All you ever talk about is Edward Cullen and Zombies, you overreact to everything, and are just generally a one dimensional piece of **** that doesn't care about anything except getting laid," said Fatty. The rest of their Algebra class burst into applause.

Sue burst into tears, and ran out of the classroom, shouting about how the rest of them would be eaten by the zombies. Which really did nothing but prove Fatty's point.

*********

She didn't need that Fatty. She didn't need any of them. They and their weak stomachs could stay right at home while she enjoyed a nice zombie movie.

And at first, it was everything that had been promised to her. And by everything, she meant violent. Within approximately five seconds of the previews ending, blood had splattered the screen with the name of the lead actor. Things only escalated from there.

Sue watched with rapt interest as the theater slowly became more and more deserted as patrons fled to the bathrooms. But then, as it seemed that humanity had no choice but to offer their brains to the zombie army, the music abruptly changed, and the camera revealed what Sue presumed to be humanity's last hope—a man standing with his back to the camera.

At this point Sue stood up and, like many before her, fled the theater, one hand pressed over her mouth. But her torment came not from seeing zombies playing baseball with the severed head of the heroine. No, the torment that now consumed Sue's stomach—or a relatively close internal organ—came from the sight of that that actor.

That actor with bronze hair.

*********

After several moments of fleeing as if the zombies were after _her_, Sue found she had unfortunately wandered into a dark alley. And everyone knows the only people who are ever found in dark alleys are rapists or drug dealers. And considering that Sue was both female and apparently heroin, things boded ill for her.

Although, maybe Sue didn't have to worry about being raped. And not only because she looked like an overweight zombie. After all, she had nearly been raped in this particular dark alley once, and rapes never happened in the same place twice, or something like that.

Sue could still see the bloodstains on the concrete, interspersed with tire tracks from an epic fishtail maneuver. And—yes, there, partially wedged behind a trashcan, was an arm bone, complete with faint teeth marks. Oh! This place—it remaindered her so much of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

And then, as if to complete her memory of that night so long ago, when things had been happier, a group of strange men rounded the corner, and fixed their eyes on her.

Sue was struck with mixed emotions. On one hand, she was in a world of bliss, inundated as she was by the memories of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. On the other hand, she was going to be raped, and that was probably bad.

However, as she was debating over whether to laugh, cry, or laugh hysterically, the men came closer, and she saw they were not men at all, but zombies.

"Hey you," the leader said. "We here that you're going around, acting like a zombie. And it's giving us a bad name. We zombies do not want to be associated with the likes of—"

And then he was cut off, for Sue had gone into Left For Dead 2 mode, and, armed with a trash can, had commenced reanimated butt-kicking.

*********

When Sue returned home, she snagged the container of Ben and Jerry's from the ever vigilant hands of Charlie, Police Chief of Sporks, and went up to her room to cry. She absently flicked a stray piece of zombie flesh off her hand as she raised the spoon to her mouth.

But this bite of ice cream was different. For even as she swallowed, she heard a voice. A voice belonging to a certain He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"Hey, you fat cow, put down the spoon! You'll give yourself a ****ing heart attack, and, worse yet, increase the fat content of your blood! God ****ing **** it, woman. Do you want to die?" it said, still as velvety and irresistible as ever. She gasped.

The voice slowly faded away, leaving a soft echo in its wake. Sue distractedly finished the pint of ice cream.

What did this mean? Where did that come from? Was it simply because she had been having thoughts of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Usually she tried to drown them out with zombies, but she had broken her rules and the thoughts had slipped through.

All that Sue knew now was that she wasn't sure what to expect anymore.

Oh, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!

**A FEW MONTHS EARLIER, ON THE SET OF **_**KISS YOUR JUGULAR GOODBYE**_

"Seriously, pretty-boy?" said Liaf.

"What?" Edward asked, as the stylist applied makeup to his perfect face. Redundant, but hey.

"Why the **** are you acting in a zombie movie?" Liaf asked.

"'Cause I don't have anything else better to do," Edward shrugged, and the stylist began applying massive amounts of gel to his hair.

"Why zombies?" asked Liaf, raising a palm to his face.

"Zombies are all the rage now," said Edward earnestly. "Besides they remind me of something… somewhere… I can't quite put my finger on it…"

"Whatever," said Liaf in exasperation. "What I don't understand is why they gave you of all people the lead role."

"Oh, that's easy," Edward said. "I slept with the director."


	6. Dangerous is Not a Good Thing

_ Fun fact: this is the official thirtieth chapter of my quest to parody twilight. Wheeeeeee! *breaks out the party hats and kazoos.*_

While Sue didn't know what to expect from the future, we sure did: like five fricking pages of angst ridden monologue. Seriously, babe, he broke up with you. It happens. Move the **** on.

Unfortunately, Sue, like most people I know (some of whom are probably reading this), ignored my oh-so-brilliant advice, and went on lamenting her fate.

But, just as we are about to slip into the blissful abyss of sleep, Sue reached a brilliant conclusion: she could just kill herself! _That _would show Edward.

To some extent, she's probably right, but one would think these people could find slightly less dramatic solutions to their problems.

But considering _drama_ (not manipulation of the unrealistic hormone driven fantasies of teenage girls) was the soul of _twilight, _Sue began making her plans to go out with a bang.

Hmmm… well, she could just use that loaded gun with a broken safety of her cop father's. He usually left it on the kitchen table, forgetting it in favor of his morning toast. Nah, the trigger was all sticky with jelly. How about poison? No, that would just make the plagiarism from _Romeo and Juliette _a little too obvious. Oh! She could just jump off a cliff! Esme did that, and look how well it worked out for him!

But then again, the prospect of going splat did not exactly appeal to Sue. Maybe she should just do something reckless and stupid and hope it got her slaughtered. Now how to go about doing that in the surprising danger filled town of Sporks?

In one of those strange little coincidences that seem to fill these books, the answer was right in front of her. There, sitting on some nameless loser's driveway, was a pair of motorcycles. It seemed to be the perfect way to get herself killed! Alternatively, Sue could have just tried walking down the street. Considering her luck, that probably would have been enough to result in her murder. But she likes doing things the hard way. At least, that's what she said.

Considering this was just some minor character, Sue thought nothing of ninjaing the motorcycles, tossing them in the bed of her truck.

Only problem was the paint job on them was pretty crappy looking. Also, they looked kinda broken. What she needed was someone to fix it up. Better yet, an impressionable young furry with mechanical skills that she could manipulate into fixing (and repainting) the motorcycles for free. If only such a sharkboy existed…

Sue climbed back into her truck and headed off to Jacobland.

*********

"Well, well, well," said Jacob, leering down at Sue from his porch. "Look who it is. I thought you and glitter-pants were off making sparkly babies. Did he already **** things up?"

"Jacob, you're tall!" said Sue.

"And buff," said Jacob.

"And not wearing a shirt," Sue finished.

"Well, yeah, I thought that was a given," said Jacob. "Besides, I can't wear shirts anymore. They just burn off."

"Oh. Tragedy," said Sue, not meaning it in the slightest.

"Ah, yes, indeed. It is tough being me, the _new male lead_ of the series," Jacob said, poorly concealing a victory smile by pretending to suffer. If nothing else, it was an interesting expression.

Of course, at the slightest mention of anything that could possibly in any way faintly remind her of Edward, Sue doubled over in pain, clutching at something she described as a hole in her chest. Otherwise known as _when metaphors attack. _Going to a craft store nowadays was deadly to Sue. So. Much. Glitter.

Jacob looked on for a moment in concern as Sue writhed in pain from the imaginary hole in her chest. He was just a step away from calling the Nice People In White to take care of her when she abruptly straightened up.

"Anyways, I have a death wish and some motorcycles," Sue said, "can you fix them up for me?"

Jacob shrugged. "Sure, why not? But one condition."

"Yes?" Sue asked.

"You lose like two hundred pounds, and then have a couple make out sessions in front of your boyfriend whenever he comes crawling back."

"Deal," Sue said. "I was going to do that anyways. Except I was going to gain weight instead of lose it. But whatever. I'll just have to console myself with your abs instead of ice cream."

"That's kinda creepy," said Jacob.

"Everyone in this story is creepy," Sue said.

**SOME DRIVING SCHOOL, SOMEWHERE**

"This cannot end well," Liaf said.

"Whaddya mean?" Edward said. "Now which one is the gas again?"

"I really think we should wait for the instructor. Cars have a tendency to kill people around us. ****ing things."

"Found it!" Edward yelled happily, completely disregarding Liaf's oh-so-helpful advice.

The instructor, meanwhile, was busy going through the paperwork inside the driving instructor building thingy.

"Sheesh," he said to his coworker. "This kid wrote down his age as seventeen, but for his birthday, he only wrote 'a while.' Just what I need, another joker. Where'd that kid even run off to?"

The other instructor was saved by having to respond by a loud revving noise coming from outside.

The first's eyes widened. "You don't think…?"

Both sprinted outside.

Edward and Liaf, were, however, long gone by then, Edward having discovered the gas pedal by pressing it as hard as he possibly could (which, considering he was one of Meyer's super vampires, was pretty **** hard), launching them out into the road. Liaf was glad, for once, that he was too short to see over the dashboard.

Edward appeared to be having the time of his life. "Whoa, look at how fast the old lady jumped out of the way. Man, driving on the sidewalk is the best."

"Pretty-boy, do you have any idea what the **** you're doing?" Liaf asked from the passenger's seat.

"Erm… you could say that…" Edward said. "Let's see, I drove that one time when I nearly hit Sue… oh yeah, and I drove Carlisle's car sometime in the twenties!"

Liaf covered his face with his palm. "Didn't you go there to take a written test?"

"Well, yeah," said Edward. The car made a sharp turn and Liaf heard screams. "But that's boring. Besides, I would have failed it anyways. I don't know those crappy 'rules of the road.'"

"Oh dear sweet god," Liaf groaned.

"Hey, that car is cool!" Edward said suddenly. "It has flashing red lights. How come our car doesn't have flashing lights?"

A siren split the air, and Liaf was this close to banging his head on the dashboard. "Pretty-boy, how can you possibly not know what a police car looks like? There's no way you've never broken the law before."

"Oh, so that's a police car!" Edward said happily. "As for your question, I live in Sporks."

"Ah," Liaf said, understanding. After all, _Charlie _was the chief of police in Sporks.

"So," Edward said, after several more minutes of sirens and screams. "Why's the cop still following us?"

Liaf gave him a look. "I believe he's trying to arrest us. Or, hopefully, you."

"Why?" Edward asked, turning on the windshield wipers to try to clear the blood off the windshield.

Liaf ignored the question. "We have two choices: one, you surrender and get your sparkly butt thrown in jail."

"Out of the question." Edward shook his head. "I'm way too pretty. I've heard that _bad things_ happen in jail. And after a hundred years, I'm not losing my virginity to Bubba."

Liaf had been around Edward for far too long to be creeped out by statements like this. "Option two: we get on an epic car chase, miraculously ending up in whatever location Rising Twilight plans for us to be in next chapter."

"Oooo, I've always wanted to get into a car chase!" Edward said. "What should I do?"

"More or less what you're doing already," Liaf said. "Now you just need to do something stupid and impossible so the cops can't follow you."

"Stupid and impossible?" said Edward. "That's my middle name!"

In one of those stupid coincidences that seem to plague _this _story, they were fast approaching one of those shweet bridges that lift up to let boats pass. And it was just in the process of raising up.

"Oh yeah," said Edward, setting his sights on the bridge. They got closer and closer, and Edward could already see their car smoothly gliding through the air to the other side, leaving the cops far, far behind.

Liaf, for his part, could simply tell the car was getting closer and closer to vertical, and that could not be, by any stretch of the imagination, good.

And Liaf was proved to be quite correct, for Edward, having never managed to pass math in like ninety years of attending high school, had misjudged the bridge, and therefore it was too steep by the time they reached it.

So it was that their car rolled backwards, slamming in to the multiple cop cars they had picked up during their chase.

The resulting explosion was rather impressive, and sent Liaf and Edward blasting off far into the distance, doing that glinting thing in the sky. It also incinerated pretty much everything that wasn't made of freaky vampire atoms.

For a moment, all was quiet except for the fires gently smoldering in the twisted wreckage. Then, a car marked "student driver" pulled up to the scene.

The two instructors got out, and stared at the wreckage for a moment. Then the first started crying, for Edward had taken his own car, rather than the student one.


	7. Generally Bad Things

_Ugh, this chapter was a pain. But it's done now, so read, enjoy, review, that whole deal. _

"So, what have you been up to recently?" Jacob asked as he worked.

Sue took a moment to answer, because she was in the middle of staring at Jacob's chest. "Huh? What? Oh. Uh. Eating brains."

"Wut?" Jacob asked.

"Um. Nothing really," Sue said.

"Oh, good stuff," said Jacob. "So…"

"Hey Jacob, did you bang that vamp girl yet?!" someone shouted from outside. Jacob slammed his forehead against a motorcycle. Sue looked inquisitively towards the door to the garage.

"Minions," Jacob said, as two boys filed into the room, "I believe I forbid you to come here today."

"Dude," said the shorter of the new arrivals, "You said something about a chick. And we're teenage wolf-boys. What did you expect to happen?"

"**** you," Jacob said. "Anyway, Sue, these are my minor characters friends, aka my minions. That's the perverted one," he gestured to the shorty, "and that's the skinny minion. You can pretty much ignore them, except for the rare moments when they're used as plot devices."

"Jacob and I are going to be future pedo-buddies!" said the perverted minion.

"I see," said Sue.

"Hello," said the skinny minion. Everyone ignored him.

Jacob went back to working on the bikes, and Sue went back to staring at Jacob.

For a moment, all was silent except for the sounds of him working. Then the perverted minion said, "So, babe, do ya wanna have sex with me—"

He was, however, cut off the sound of a gunshot and a bullet lodging itself in him.

"Hey honey!" Charlie, the Police Chief of Sporks, said.

"Dude, you owe me a new minion," Jacob said.

Charlie surveyed the scene, looking from Jacob, to the motorcycles, to Sue. And when he got to Sue, he paused, his eyes growing wide. "Honey, you're not eating ice cream or playing video games…"

Sue looked at him curiously as he trailed off and shook his head. "Anyway, you kids have fun!"

"You know, I think that's the first time he's ever shot that gun," Sue said.

The perverted minion groaned in response. Jacob shook his head in despair. "I think his blood got on the motorcycles."

Spending time with Jacob had apparently broken Sue free of her zombie state. All it had taken was the strong guiding hand of a male to set poor, weak Sue back on the right path. Yeah. This book isn't antifeminist at all.

But, putting aside the wonderful example Sue is setting for the next generation of females, Sue had reawaken to the world, and now she had to do the hardest thing she'd ever done: attempt to live her life.

Living her life unfortunately meant going to school, and school meant one thing: dealing with the Fatty Brigade.

They were their usually selves at lunch, talking about community service and other such loser-type things. *****es. Sue noticed that there were a few more people sitting at the table now. Hmmm. Just how stoned had she been? [A good question, in my opinion. Seriously, her boyfriend breaks up with her, and not only does she fall into a pseudo-coma for four months, she also can't stand the slightest mention of him without an imaginary hole in her chest causing her incredible pain. W. T. F.]

That pig Lauren was talking about the kittens at the animal shelter she had spent her weekend at. Sue rolled eyes. What a filthy little ****. Clearly she hadn't changed.

Then that one girl with the face with a name that Sue didn't know asked Fatty, "So what did you do over the weekend?"

Seizing the opportunity, Sue said, "Well, I went to see _Kiss Your Jugular Goodbye_, and Fatty here decided to tag along with me."

Slowly, everyone at the table turned to face Sue. Their expressions ranged from disgust to loathing.

"I thought she was mute," one girl muttered.

"Oh joy, Mary Sue is back," Lauren whispered. Sue glared at her.

"Fatty?" said Fatty incredulously.

Sue was suddenly struck with an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. She was at school, treating everything and everyone with a vague contempt, and they all hated her.

"What's today's date?" she asked Fatty.

"_Fatty?_" Fatty repeated.

Sue checked her phone. Well, huh. It was one year since she had first graced Sporks High with her presence.

Nothing's changed much, Sue thought as Fatty finally launched herself across the table at Sue.

**?????**

Liaf and Edward hit the ground.

"Whelp, that was strange," said Edward, sitting up and rubbing his head.

"God ****ing **** it, pretty-boy, were you trying to get us killed? 'Cause you just about managed it! For ****sake, how did you even manage to go from a driving lesson to exploding us and about fifty police cars?" Liaf raged.

"I'm jut awesome like that," said Edward, looking around.

"Where the **** are we anyways?" Liaf asked, joining Edward in examining their surroundings. They were near a forest, with a lake not too far away and a castle off in the distance.

"Who knows? I don't even know where we were before, and that explosion could have sent us anywhere," said Edward.

"Oh this is just awesome," Liaf covered his face with his palm. "Anyway, it looks like someone is coming, so let's just ask them, alright?"

It was two boys and a girl. Edward called out to them and they walked over.

"Hey kids," said Edward, "can you tell me where we are?"

"Why is he sparkling?" the redheaded boy asked the girl.

"I don't know, I don't think I've ever read about anything like that before," she whispered back. "Except for… but that couldn't be, that was just silly little romance novel…"

"How can you not know where you are?" the apparent leader, a black haired boy with a strange scar on his forehead said to Edward. "This is Hogwarts!"

Liaf made a strangled noise, and Edward somehow managed to get even paler. The sparkling, of course, increased proportionally. "H-Hogwarts?" he stammered.

Liaf, while still somehow managing to keep his palm over his face, kicked Edward in a Very Bad Place which, yes, was still very painful for vampires. Edward gave a squeak and toppled over, curling up into a fetal position. The children watched in interest as Liaf stood over Edward and yelled at him.

"**** it all, pretty-boy, do you realize what you've done? I know you've made it a personal goal of yours to **** at least ten things up everyday, but this are beyond anything! Your little explosion blew us out of the twilight universe! _Do you have any idea how bad this is_? We're in ****ing _Harry Potter_!"

The black haired boy looked at them curiously. "How do they know my name?"

"How the **** are we going to get back to our world?" Liaf continued to yell at Edward. "I swear, if I'm trapped in _Harry Potter _for the rest of my life—which, since I'm a vampire, would be forever—because of you, I will spend every moment of my life making yours ****! **** you, pretty-boy! **** ****** ***** ***…." Liaf trailed off into a steady stream of curses, and began to kick Edward.

The trio watched Liaf abuse Edward, not quite sure what to make of the whole thing. Liaf eventually stopped kicking Edward and turned around, noticing the three staring with big eyes.

He was trapped in another world, one that had magic and monsters and abused children saving the world, and his only companion was an unconscious sparkly pedo of a vampire.

He wondered if there was a spell that would let him get drunk.


	8. Things We Probably Should Not Be Doing

_Sheesh, you guys are quiet. I would have thought at least someone would have commented on me just randomly sending characters to another dimension. Or is it simply that this whole story is just so random that that is to be expected? Oh yeah, and in case there is anyone out there who is not already aware of the fact, Edward Cullen and Cedric Diggory are played by the same actor._

Sue didn't know why she was doing this. Had she turned masochistic—which is then defined for the average _twilight_ reader? Or was she just, as we all already knew, a dumb *****?

Regardless of brain cells that Sue may or may not be lacking, the fact of the matter was that Sue had once more found herself driving down the tree-lined, lonely road that lead to a certain He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's perfect house. She knew that going there would only make the metaphors hurt all the more, but still, she felt that she simply _had _to see it. To give herself closure, or something. Not that she really understood the whole idea of closure. But whatever.

She parked on the lawn, which had somehow managed to become overgrown over the four months of winter. Slowly, she climbed out of her truck, being careful of the cast on her arm. Man, that Fatty chick was part pro-wrestler, or something. And it didn't help that once she had started mauling Sue, more or less the rest of the students of Sporks High joined in. Hmph. They were all just jealous that she was such a special snowflake.

She climbed out of her truck and took a few steps towards the house, then stopped and simply stared at it for a few moments. It was white… just like _he _was… she could already feel the metaphor beginning to flare up. So of course she did the exact opposite of what any rational person would do in this type of situation, and went closer to the house.

She blinked in confusion as she saw a piece of paper taped to the door. Curious, she walked up to it. It read, "_if you are a hot chick, have money, or are a hot chick with money, call_ _this number," _and then it listed a phone number.

Sue felt a rush of hope enter her heart. Could it be… _a link to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_? There was only one thing to do. She pulled out her phone and dialed the number.

Breathless, she listened as it rung once, twice, and then…

…then a neutral female voice said, "the number you are trying to reach is in another dimension," and the world once more fell apart and metaphorical pain threatened to consume her.

Not even bothering to attempt to figure out the dimension comment, she sprinted back to her truck and roared off to see Jacob. Maybe she was developing a new addiction. Man, first pot, then He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, then zombies, and now Jacob.

Luckily, Jacob had just what Sue was lucking for: a shiny new way to kill herself.

"I finished the motorcycles," he said with a grin, pointing to where they lay against a tree, ribbons tied on the handle bars.

"Shweetness!" Sue said, and they proceeded to load them into Sue's truck and drive to a suitable location. However, Sue brought them to a screeching halt when they drove past a group of boys standing at the edge of a cliff. She watched in amazement as one stepped forward and plunged over the edge.

"What is that?" Sue asked.

"Ugh, foreshadowing," Jacob said in disgust. "Seriously, just get us out of here before this gets too ugly."

"I demand foreshadowing," Sue said.

"Fine," Jacob said, covering his face with his palm, "it's a strange group of kids that act all weird and have a strange amount of power within the reservation. Put that together with those werewolf legends and there goes our plot. Provided, of course, that you weren't already aware that I'm a werewolf due to the obnoxious fangirl blathering on about _twilight_ during math class."

"And the cliff?" Sue prompted.

"Gosh dangit, woman, how much do you want from me?" Jacob said.

"Edward broke the fourth wall for me all the time," Sue pouted.

"Dude, you just said his name," Jacob said.

"Oh, oops," Sue said, and then promptly doubled over on the steering wheel and screamed, "The metaphorical pain! It burns!"

Jacob sighed, "And that's a really high cliff, and you want to jump off it, which is probably a sign of depression, but obviously I don't see anything wrong with your evident desire to do extraordinarily reckless things, because I'm a naïve teenage boy."

"Lovely, now that that's all taken care of, let's go plow my face into the highway," Sue said.

"I thought you'd never ask," Jacob said.

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY**

"Um, well," Liaf said. "You wouldn't happen to know any spells that can manipulate the fabric of the universe, would you, kids?

The trio continued to stare at Liaf and Edward, who was lying on the ground.

"Just who are these people?" Ron finally asked.

"Hey, does that one remind you of anyone?" Hermione said suddenly.

"Which one?" Ron asked.

"The one with bronze hair," Hermione said.

"Bronze hair? What the bloody **** kinda description is that?"

"Son of a ***** he looks like Cedric Diggory. If Cedric was gay. And was missing a pinkie. And had an eye patch. And was alive," said Harry Potter.

"Doesn't look too alive to me," said Liaf, giving Edward one final kick for good measure.

"Um, are you two… friends?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, we're best buds," Liaf said absently. "Now would you kindly help my hauled this ****ing carcass to someone who could possibly return us to the proper dimension?"

The trio exchanged glances. "Um, that might be a little difficult," Hermione said. "You see, the school's kind of a mess right now, our usual headmaster's gone, and there's this evil woman messing everything up. She ran off anyone who might have been able to help."

"Oh, awesome," Liaf said. "How about this, who would know of an extremely painful spell for me to use on pretty-boy here?"

"Well, Harry did say he wanted to try out some dark arts," Hermione said. "I suppose we could use him as a practice dummy."

"Yeah, why not," Liaf said. "I'm going to go to the library to try and figure out a way to fix his ****-up. You all can do whatever you want with him. He probably won't die." Liaf walked off to the castle, leaving Edward barely conscious with the three fledgling wizards. They looked at each other.

"Well, I guess I'll go first," Harry said. "I've always wanted to try this. _Avada Kedavra!"_

And Edward gained a new scar for his collection.


	9. Look Ma No Drugs!

_ So who's excited for summer? Meeeeeeeeeee! Maybe I'll actually try starting my chapters sooner than two hours before they're supposed to be published. I'm also debating trying to write some sort of serious fan fiction. Well, serious-ish. I don't think I could write a completely serious piece, because that would require _me_ to be completely serious. And that, my dear reader, is never going to happen. But, whatever I do, it certainly won't be for _twilight_. _

_ Also, a new addition to my list of things that are really fun to write: the lines for Edward's disembodied voice. I think I'm going to have to put way more of the disembodied voice in here than _new moon _calls for. _

_ Also, many thanks to my dear friend Evilpurity for suggesting the song I use in this chapter. _

Sue was beginning to have second thoughts about this whole affair. Sure, plastering herself to the highway sounded like a good idea on paper, but, man, now that she was astride the motorcycle, staring down the ominous dirt road, trees looming up on either side, she began to rethink things. It could, like, hurt or something. And even Sue understood that that was probably bad.

Luckily for the angstier side of herself, Jacob saw things differently. He wacked Sue on the back, causing her to jerk the motorcycle into gear and suddenly she was flying away. He smiled and called after her, "Have fun!"

"****ing wolf-boy. I don't know what the legions of fans see in him," said a certain velvety voice.

Of course, at the sound of _that _voice, Sue immediately gasped, had a quick heart attack, and abruptly veered to the right, plowing her face, not into the highway, but a tree. Her face left a red image on its trunk.

"God****it woman, this is why you should be making me sammichs! That wolf-boy is letting you get out of line. Pfft, woman on motorbikes… in my day…" The voice launched into a length speech that was reminiscing of a history textbook, provided said history textbook was almost as sexist as _twilight. _

Sue lay on the ground, a dreamy smile coming to her face as she listened to the voice and her bodily fluid steadily spilled to the ground. Yes! This was everything she had asked for. She was dying and got to listen to Edward's voice while she was in the process! It was sheer _bliss_.

"And the womenz… hey, are you listening to me?" The velvety voice snapped. "This exactly what I'm talking about. Absolutely no respect! Would you quit being so ****ing happy and listen to your ****ing hallucinations! Drugs aren't cheap you know… oh, great, here's the dog," the voice spat as Jacob finally reached Sue.

"That was awesome!" Jacob said. "Though you probably shouldn't have aimed for the tree… but meh, whatever!"

Sue, however, did not hear either of her love interests (or whatever other term you might prefer to use to refer to a hallucination and a delusional wolf-boy that has been firend-zone'd _hard_), as she was busy staring into space, preparing to sprint into the light, and singing "Blood" by My Chemical Romance under her breath.

Jacob hauled her to her feet and shook her slightly violently, splattering the general area with blood. It was rather macabre, truthfully. "Wanna do that again?" he asked excitedly.

"…cause I'm such an awful ****," Sue muttered singsongidly.

"Son of a *****!" The voice snarled. "Just what does that traitorous shark-boy think he's doing? He's just _wasting_ all that glorious blood!"

Sue tottered back and forth for a second or two, rather dizzy due to the massive head-wound. Then she passed out, falling in a puddle of blood.

"Oh for the love of Dracula, you little furry, help her!" the velvety shouted. "She's mine, and I expect her back in pristine condition! I swear if she dies on your watch—hey! What are you doing! I know you can't control your animal instincts, but this is so not the time to be violating her! ****! Don't do that, you *******, I'll kill you! HEY! YOU LISTENING TO ME, YOU… oh wait, I'm a hallucination. Of the girl that is currently bleeding out. Hmmm. Well. This is odd." The voice shrugged (Don't ask). "My original broke the fourth wall, so I suppose I can too. Erm, anyway folks, It's going to take us a while to calm things down here, so…"

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY GROUNDS**

"Wow," said Ron, as the trio stood over Edward, staring down at him.

"Yeah," said Hermione.

Harry looked rather pleased with himself. "That worked well."

"I'm not going to bother to comment on the fact that you know how to perform the killing curse so well," said Hermione, "but shouldn't that have, you know, killed him?"

"Naw," said Harry. "That only works on minor characters."

"Didn't that get your parents?" asked Ron.

"So?" Harry stared at him blankly.

"Erm… anyway, maybe we should do something about him," Hermione said.

"Good idea," said Ron. "Slap him awake?"

"On it," said Harry, who bent down to whack the vampire, who was now marked with a butterfly shaped scar on the bottom of his back.

**THE LIBRARY**

Unfortunately for Liaf, there was no interdimensional travel section in the Hogwarts library. They also didn't have computers, which you would think would put them rather far behind the "muggles," so Liaf couldn't just run a quick search. Therefore, Liaf had to resort to the bane of existence—reading.

He tossed another book aside, grumbling. Sure, he had a nice little list of spells to use for revenge on Edward, and he was pretty sure he could pull them off with the wand he'd stolen from some clueless first year, but he really wanted to get back to his own world. After all, there was…

No, actually, there was really nothing waiting for him in his own world. ****, they only ones that were waiting for him were his ****ing horses. But, seriously, they were ****ing horses. Besides, his world was _twilight_. Why the **** would anyone in their right mind want to live in _twilight _land?

Making a decision, Liaf slammed the book shut—rather joyfully—and headed out of the library—another place that should be avoided by anyone in their right mind. Time to take his chances with the wizard world.

**SPORKS**

"Why, welcome back, my charming audience," said the velvety voice. "Since we last left our—for lack of a better word—heroine, she has been taken to the hospital, once Jacob finally realized that she did not, in fact, want to try again. It has been two weeks since that she has spent recovering. It is her hospital room that the curtain now opens to."

"It's probably bad if the voice in my head is crazier than me, huh?" Sue said.

"Probably," Jacob shrugged.

"**** you all," said the voice. "You just wish you sounded half as sexy as me."

"How is it that even though his name isn't directly mentioned for about twenty chapters, he's still beating me?" Jacob said.

"Not that I'm complaining," said Sue, "but shouldn't I only hear you when I'm in danger or something?"

"Look, I know you're just using me, but—" Jacob was cut off by Sue's finger. He looked at her, confused.

"You're missing something, babe," said the voice. "You see, you are Mary ****ing Sue. Accordingly, simply breathing is dangerous to you. You have proved time and time again that there is no way to keep you out of danger. Therefore, you have the distinct pleasure of listening to the lovely and insightful me all the time."

"Oh," said Sue.

"Um, anyways, what do you want to do now?" Jacob asked. "The doctors said we should probably not let you anywhere near a motorcycle anymore, so I figure we should wait a week before we try again. What do you want to do in the meantime?"

"Trek through the bear, wolf, werewolf, shape shifter, and vampire infested woods?" Sue suggested.

"Shweet," said Jacob.

"****!" growled the voice. "Remember that if you die, you take me with you, *****!"


	10. Don't Make Walls Out Of Cardboard

_My favorite character in this fic is now the Voice. For serial. It is ridiculously fun to write for. Also, looking back on this chapter, I've realized just how much of ****ed everything up. One of the main characters is in another dimension, and the other spends the majority of her time talking to the voice in her head, taking the occasional break to talk to a ghost. I'm vaguely curious how I managed to get here. _

_ Also, I'm putting a new poll up on my profile page. It might be worth it to check out._

"And so it was that Sue's days began to pass in a blur of school, motorcycles, hospital visits, pointless wanderings in the woods, and, of course, entirely too much wolf-boy," said the random disembodied voice/hallucination.

"Do you seriously have to do that?" Sue asked, taking another bite of her sandwich. She was seated alone at a table in the cafeteria, the Fatty Brigade having begun to completely avoid her once she had began to have conversations with herself. "Not only is it annoying, but it's also kinda creepy when the voice in my head begins to talk to itself."

"This, of course, was met with disgust by Sue," the Voice continued with its narration, "for she knew the mutt was only desirous of getting into her pants. Oh! If only her sweet, sweet, vampire was still by her side. Then she could seek comfort in his pale glitter arms rather than the mangy ones of another! If only…"

"You're kind of a freak, aren't you?" Sue asked, turning her attention to an apple.

"Hey, sweet-cheeks, I'm a figment of _your _imagination," the Voice replied.

"I suppose, though, that you do kind of have a point," said Sue.

"**** straight."

"I should probably make it clear to Jacob that we will never be anything more than friends, despite the fact that he's pretty much the perfect guy—"

"Hey *****, 'perfect' can only be used to describe one man, and that's me. Er. The person whose voice I am," said the voice.

"I know!" Sue snapped her fingers, "I'll ask him to go to a movie with me! There's absolutely no chance for any romantic tension in a darkened movie theater! And I'll choose a scary movie, just to ensure my cute squeals of terror and general clinginess scare him off!"

"Sometimes, my dear, I fail to see what my owner sees in you," sighed the voice. "At least there's plenty of room in your head. At the rate you're going, you might as well just invite golden retriever boy along for the ride."

"Great idea! HEY MIKE!" She shouted across the cafeteria.

Both the Voice and Mike facepalmed. Mike got up from his cafeteria table and walked over to where Sue was sitting.

"Is there something you need, Mary Sue?" He asked, clearly trying to get away from there as quickly as possible.

"Wanna go to the movies with me on Friday?" Sue asked.

Mike's eyes went wide at this. "**** no. Your boyfriend/stalker/that weird guy with bronze hair that used stare at you all the time warned me about this back in chapter four of _Insert Fail Symbolism Here_. Also, you're kinda the creepy zombie chick who talks to herself, and I don't really want to be seen with you. So… bye!" and he ran off.

"I thought I was the only one allowed to break the fourth wall," the Voice growled.

"Dude, at this point, who hasn't broken the fourth wall?" Sue asked. "Face the facts: our fourth wall is made of cardboard."

"I'll go to the movies with you," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowly.

"SON OF A *****," Sue screamed. No one even bothered to look at her.

"Is that an 'okay?'" asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Would it kill you to give me a little more warning?" Sue asked. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley began to cry.

"That was an unfortunate choice of words," commented the Voice.

"Erm," Sue said.

"Anyway," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley abruptly said, "It's a date!" And then it poofed away.

"Well. That was odd," Sue said.

"Yeah. Sort of. This whole fic's kinda on crack, isn't it?" the Voice commented.

"Indeed. Let's never speak of this again, alright?" Sue said.

"Agreed. So, are you going to go to the movie with him?" asked the voice.

"Naw," said Sue.

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY: GROUNDS**

Edward slowly came to to find three teenaged wizards standing over him. He was unaware of any scars he may have recently acquired.

"So," he said slowly. "What now?"

The trio looked at each other. "Well, I guess we take him to a teacher or something," Hermione said.

"Sounds like a plan," said Harry. "Come on, Pretty-Boy. Move your sparkly ***. We got places to be."

Edward stood up and brushed himself off. "Hey," he protested, "You can't call me that! And how do you even know if my *** sparkles—"

"Don't finish that thought," interrupted Hermione. "We want to keep this rated teen."

"He does raises some interesting questions, though," Ron said. "I mean, does his entire body sparkle. _All of it? _Even his [CENSORED BY HERMIONE 3]"

**SPORKS: THAT ONE PLACE WHERE JACOB LIVES**

After trying several times to reach Jacob and failing, Sue had finally decided to drive down there and get some answers for herself (read: entered overreaction mode). She parked her truck, then walked up to his door and banged on it. "Jacob?" she called, "it's Sue!"

"And the voice in her head!" the voice in her head said cheerily.

"Oh my god, go away!" Jacob called back.

"'Kay!" said the Voice.

"Wut? What happened to you?" Sue said. "Weren't you just in love with me like five paragraphs ago?"

"I wasn't undergoing werewolf puberty five paragraphs ago!" Jacob shouted back.

"Oh," said Sue. "That's going to mess some things up, huh? I suppose you probably don't want to go to the movies with me then?"

** SPORKS: THE MOVIE THEATER**

"Why does nobody care about meeeeeeeee!" sobbed the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, as he curled up, alone, in the corner of the theater.


	11. Don't Be Racist!

_ Here's to ten chapters of Taylor Lautner Shirtless! Yay! I've been trying to do some serious writing lately, but man, it's hard compared to this. I'm not sure if that's just because I just write random crap for this and hope it's kinda funny or simply that I am truly incapable of being serious. Probably a little of both. Regardless, I shall persist! _

_ Also, there still is a poll up on my website. Go and vote! Let your voice be heard!_

After Jacob had affirmed that no, he did not, in fact, want to go to the movies with her, Sue drove home and then went to sleep, as the less sparkly race has occasionally been known to do. When she woke up the next morning, she faced the daunting prospect of how to fill a day without some type of guiding male influence to… guide her. Yeah.

"That wolf kid seriously needs to get over himself," said the Voice, as Sue headed downstairs to acquire some breakfast. "Like there isn't enough angst here already. Most teenage boys would just be like, 'shweet,' if they could turn into a wolf."

Sue walked into the kitchen, ignoring Charlie, who was drinking from a mug that said "#1 Cop Dad." Sue vaguely wondered who had given him that as she grabbed some cookie dough from the fridge.

"So are you going to get all depressed again now that another guy dumped you?" Charlie asked, glancing up from the newspaper.

Sue immediately dropped the tub of cookie dough to the floor, whirling around to face that lovable little cop father of hers. "Daaaaady!" she sobbed ("Nice, now let's see some tears!" said the Voice). "That's not nice!"

"Neither was your mother." ("Burn!" said the voice) Charlie took another sip of his coffee. "Just promise me you won't go off and die in the woods while I'm sitting in the office eating donuts, alright?"

Sue glared at him. He picked up his loaded gun and walked out the front door whistling.

"Woods it is?" asked the Voice.

"So…" said the Voice. "Did you remember to bring a knife, or are we going to have to wait for one of the surprisingly large assortment of dangerous creatures roaming the forest to come and get you?"

It was then, of course, that Sue burst through the trees and found herself miraculously in the clearing. No, the timing was not ridiculously ironic, or anything.

"You're going to get the metaphor to kill you?" the Voice asked incredulously. "Come on, I thought even you weren't that lame."

Sure enough, the metaphor had reared its ugly head, and Sue was even now beginning to curl up in a little angsty ball on the forest floor.

"Um, what's wrong with you? Cause, you know, if you have AIDS or something, I really don't want to eat you."

Through tear filled eyes, Sue looked up, and saw Laurent. You know, Laurent! That one guy… who was in the first book… was James's lackey… Laurent! He had like two lines. Great guy. Also, he's black. And a vampire. _Wat._

"Who the **** is this loser?" asked the Voice.

"Laurent!" Sue cried in joy. She was so happy to finally see a vampire again, because talking to pathetic mortals for so long was really beginning to tire her out. Because all humans suck. No, this isn't ironic at all. But obviously, since Laurent was a vampire, and therefore attractive, he was a good person. _Logicalrific. _

"Lunch!" called Laurent.

"You should really stop having inner monologues like that," said the Voice. "Life takes them as a challenge."

"So what brings you here?" Sue asked with a nervous little laugh.

"I'm pretty sure I just said that," said Laurent. "Now would you mind just shutting up? I don't usually like talking to my food."

"Pssst," said the voice, "I think he's going to eat you."

"Aren't you a good vampire now? A vegetarian and all that?" Sue asked, taking a small step back.

However, to her surprise, Laurent threw back his head and laughed. "Vegetarian!" he gasped. "Oh, that is too funny! Is that what the Cullens have been telling you? Hah! I doubt they even know what the meaning of the word 'vegetarian' is!"

"Hommie's got a point," said the Voice.

"Don't be racist," Sue muttered absently, her eyes still fixed on Laurent.

"Well my dear, let me tell you this," Laurent said, "No true vampire actually drinks animal blood (which, by the way, is _not_ considered vegetarian, in case you were wondering). In fact, I'm surprised that angsty little vampire boyfriend of yours doesn't drink from you!"

"Well… he does take little sips… occasionally… But that's just 'cause he love me!" Sue said defensively.

"Yeah, whatever," said the Voice. "The last time my owner took 'a little sip,' from you, you were in the hospital for two weeks from the blood loss."

"Right… love," said Laurent. "Anyway, talking time is now over. It is now time for me to omnomnom you."

"Shape of a wolfboy!" someone cried from behind the trees.

"****!" said the Voice.

"****!" said Laurent. And then he was promptly tackled by a very large reddish-brown wolf. Sue absently noted it was furry, and this reminded her of Jacob. For some reason.

The wolf proceeded to tear Laurent up into little itty-bitty vampire pieces, which was a generally violent and messy process. Sue's eyes steadily got wider as she watched.

Just as the wolf was finishing up, four more wolves stepped out of the forest. The largest one walked over and then appeared to high-five the front paw of the red wolf. This struck Sue as slightly odd, until there was a "poof" and there were five boys standing where there had been five wolves.

"Oh, this is just lovely," the Voice groaned. "You're gong to be covered in dog slobber whenever my owner returns for you."

"Oh my goodness!" Sue gasped. "You're werewolves!"

"Don't be racist," Jacob said. "We prefer the term _shapeshifter_."

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY**

The boys continued to argue the topic of just how sparkly Edward really was until Hermione finally could not take it anymore and cursed all their mouths shut. They then proceeded to make rather rude gestures behind her back as she pushed open the main doors.

As they walked into the main hall, a hush fell over the students gathered there. Hermione stopped for a minute, trying to remember if Harry had recently saved the school, or, conversely, ****ed things up for everyone. She had just come to the conclusion that no, he had not done either of those two things (recently), and was attempting to figure out why everyone was staring at them when a random person shouted out, "Oh my god it's Cedric Diggory!" and the mystery was solved for her.

Then, of course, the hall dissolved into chaos. Everyone began to panic and break things for no apparent reason. Probably just having fun.

"Even in another dimension, Edward Cullen's perfection drives people wild," said Edward Cullen.

In the midst of all the rioting, something fell from an upper story and landed next to the trio plus Edward. Or rather, someone. He stood up, swore, and brushed himself off.

"Hello, Liaf," Edward said pleasantly.

"I'm pretty sure a ****ing staircase just tried to kill me," Liaf said. He then glanced around at all the chaos. "So, whaddya do now, Pretty-boy?"

"How do you know it was me?" Edward said.

"Accio AK-47!" someone yelled in the background.

"Few people possess your talents when it comes to causing mayhem," said Liaf.

"Well, I'll have you know that this was not my fault," Edward sniffed. "It was some guy named Cedric Diggory."

"It was him!" said Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"Oh, awesome," Liaf said, covering his face with his palm. "Listen, I'm going to—"

"Ahem," someone said, their voice cutting through the clamor. "Just what is going on here?"

Everyone paused what they were doing and turned to the head of the stairs, where there stood one Dolorous Umbridge.

"Frick!" said Harry. "That ***** is bad news."

"Hey look, a real villain!" said Edward.

"Got that right," said Liaf, staring at the stairs.

"I asked you all what you think you're doing," said Umbridge dramatically, taking another step down the stairs.

For another beat, all was silent. Then someone shouted, "Cedric Diggory has returned from the dead! He is the Herald of the Darkness that approaches! The Dark Lord has risen again, and we all shall fall to his zombie army!" and then everyone resumed panicking.

"I think you guys are weirder than us," said Liaf, staring as a Hufflepuff jabbed his wand into a Ravenclaw's eye socket.

"I don't know how, but you three are responsible for this," Umbridge hissed, suddenly appearing beside them. "And you too, you strange midget person."

"Don't be ****ing racist!" Liaf said, "It's vertically challenged, you *****! Besides, you're not much taller than me anyways." They glared at each other for a moment, and then Liaf added, "Also, it's not our fault, it's all thanks to Pretty-boy here—"

Liaf spun around to see a noticeable absence where there should have been a certain sparkly vampire. "That son of a *****!" he yelled as they were dragged off to Umbridge's office.


	12. Of Broken Hearts

_This has been a great week for near death experiences. Oh yes. In other news, the poll is now closed, so thanks to all of you that voted. Enjoy! Also, the formatting of this chapter is probably a little screw__y__, just cause I typed it in Google docs instead of word, and I now can't for the life of me figure out how to get it to be normal._

"So, um," said Jacob. "You should probably run out of here screaming now. Or something."

"Oh yeah," said Sue, who promptly spun on her heels and streaked out of the clearing, shrieking.

"Nice man!" said one of the other werewolf kids, whose name I'm not going to bother to go figure out. "You got her in the palm of your hands now!"

After screaming and running for like twenty minutes, Sue finally remembered that she needed to breathe, and as such promptly fell to the ground gasping.

"So..." said the Voice. "Got any idea where we are?"

"Um... not really, no," said Sue. "You?"

"Dude, I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't know any more than you do," said the Voice.

"Oh," said Sue.

"Which means you've got a really perverted side," said the Voice.

Sue smacked her hand to her face. "Urgh, let's just get out of here. I need to go angst."

* * *

Charlie was just brushing the powdered sugar from his fingers, recuperating from a long day at work, when he heard the front door open, and shortly afterward, someone rooting through the freezer and yelling at him to turn on the X-Box.

"Oh dear god, what happened now?" Charlie said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I WAS REMINDED OF EDWARD AND JACOB LEFT ME AND I ISH ALL ALOOOONE," Sue sobbed, plunking down of the couch, ice-cream scoop and Rocky-Road in her hands. "Also, we're probably going to get murdered in our sleep by another girl who can't get over her boyfriend."

"Not while my name is _Charlie, Police Chief of Sporks_," said Charlie. "So, whaddya do? Steal her boyfriend or something? 'Cause I have to say, I can't really imagine you pulling something like that off."

"No," Sue said, after swallowing the crap-load of ice-cream she had managed to fit in her mouth. "I kinda brought about his death."

"Oh," said Charlie. "Wat?"

* * *

It was only after many more pages of inner monologue (which is seriously like ninety percent of this book) that Sue finally came to a shocking conclusion. It was all Sam! Imagine that! The obvious foreshadowing was actually foreshadowing!

But yeah, she decided it was probably bad that Jacob had gotten himself involved in some cult, and so she immediately set off to La Push on some heroic rescue misson. Because heroic is certainly the word that I would use to describe Mary Sue here. However, she got distracted from her heroic venture by the sight of the perverted minion limping along the side of the road on crutches.

"Run him over!" said the Voice.

"Hey, you!" Sue shouted from her car window as she slowed down. "Sup?"

"Nothin' much," said the perverted minion. "Just recovering from that gunshot wound your dad gave me."

"Props to your dad," said the Voice. "For once."

"Oh, good stuff," said Sue. "No hard feelings, right?"

"Well-"

"Have you seen Jacob?" Sue cut him off.

"Don't talk to me about that son of a *****," said the perverted minion. "He always bossed me and that skinny guy around. Whatever, that was alright, just cause he had so many fangirls that I could steal a couple. Now, though, he's all angsty all of the sudden, and he keeps randomly turning into a wolf. It's kinda awkward."

"Oh," said Sue. And then she drove off, spraying the minion with dirt.

She arrived at Jacob's house and threw her car into park and settled in, prepared to wait. She had barely lit up her joint, however, a knock came at her window. She turned to it, prepared to spew vast amounts of breakup cliches. However, it was not a shirtless god that met her eyes, but a red-brown wolf standing on its hind legs with its front paws pressed up against her truck window.

"Jacob?" Sue whispered.

As she watched, the toes of the wolf's right front paw curled up, until there was only one remaining. The middle one. The wolf was flipping her off.

Sue could swear she saw it laughing as she indignantly drove off.

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY**

"Dear sweet god," said Liaf, as he and the Harry Potter Posse staggered out of Umbridge's office. "I swear, for looking and acting just like my mother, that woman is a complete sadist. Which, come to think of it, my mother was too. Which just makes her creepier." Liaf shivered.

"Seriously," said Harry. "You think they'd be a little more careful about who they hand out magical teaching licenses to. Our government kinda sucks. It's like the US government, only without all the sex scandals."

"Dude, you're totally forgetting about that little affair with the Minister of Magic and the succubus..."

They continued to walk down the hallway, debating various liaisons of powerful magical leaders. Liaf, however, had stopped short, his eyes fixed on the most horrific sight he had ever seen. This coming from a man who had just had spent nearly a hundred years in service to bronze haired vampire. But this, this topped any mental scarring he had previously accumulated.

"SON OF A MOTHER ****ING *****, JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, EDWARD CULLEN?" Liaf bellowed, causing the wizardly trio to jump and turn around. As their eyes fell on the sight, Harry froze and his eye started twitching, Hermione fell to the ground in a dead faint, and Ron muttered "sweet," and started taking pictures with the camera built into his wand.

Edward, meanwhile, merely looked up from the alcove in which he and the other had secreted themselves, and then said, "As I do believe they say here, snogging."

"How did you-why would-what is this I don't even," sputtered Liaf. "What kind of messed up spell did you even use?"

"Um, actually," said the other person sharing Edward's alcove, "he didn't use any spelll. My name is Cedric Diggory. Pleased to meet you." And then he gave a little wave.

Liaf continued to make angry noises. Harry finally snapped out of it and cried, "but Cedric! You're dead! I had dreams about you!"

"That's nice and all," said Cedric, "but I don't really go for nerds-"

"About your death," said Harry with a glare.

"Oh," said Cedric. "Well, you see, I did die. But then Voldemort brought me back to life. Because there are a surprising number of ways to cheat death in this world, and Voldemort knows them all. I mean, his name even says something about death in ****ing French. But yeah, so anyways, he resurrected me, and then was all like, 'I need someone to herald the coming of my Zombie Army, will you do it?' and I was like '**** yeah,' so I then I came here. But I kinda got killed again in the riots. I'm pretty sure some kid shot me in the head with an AK-47. Luckily, though, this handsome devil was around," he gestured to Edward, who proceeded to take over the story.

"So as we were standing there, being lectured by that woman who reminds me of the creepy cat lady who lived next door, I saw this sexy corpse laying next to a statue," Edward gestured to Cedric. "And considering how attractive he was, I just couldn't let him wind up in a grave. So I vamp'd him, which basically brought him back to life. Unlife. Whatever."

"And I proceeded to show him my gratitude for doing so," said Cedric. "In the best way I knew how."

"Besides," said Edward. "If I'm the most attractive being in the world, and he here is the most attractive being in the Harry Potter world, then us making out has got to be the hottest thing the universe has ever seen." And then the two went back to doing so. Hermione woke up and then fainted again.

"I blame Carlisle for this," said Liaf.

"I blame Dumbledore for this," said Harry.

"Right, well, this place is too weird for even me," said Liaf, reaching out to grab Edward and pull him away from Cedric. "So, yeah, may the force be with you or something." He then pulled out the wand he had stolen earlier, shouted, "RANDOM LATIN WORDS," and a rift in the space-time continuum appeared.

"Goodbye, my love!" shouted Edward tearfully, as Liaf dragged him through the rift. "I shall always think of you fondly!"

And then they were gone.

"Well," said Harry. "That was weird."

"So what now?" asked Ron.

Cedric Diggory turned to them. "I'm hungry."

"So?" asked Ron.

Cedric went for his neck.

* * *

_Endin' on a happy note. _


	13. Yeah I Don't Really Know

_The following contains actual game dialogue. Hopefully you've played the game. If you haven't, then you should. _

_

* * *

_

"Um, so…" Sue said.

"Yeah?" Jacob asked, eating another Cheeto.

"Why the **** are you in my room?" Sue asked.

"Dude, I thought you liked having guys in your room at night," Jacob said. "Don't you get turned on by stalkers?"

"Yes," said the Voice.

"No," said Sue. "Where did you get the Cheetos from?"

"Under your bed," said Jacob.

"WTF, man. Uncool," said Sue.

"Whatever, Fatty," said Jacob. "Didn't we have an agreement that you were going to lose weight? All the angsting you've doing lately has been helping, but you still look like the Pillsbury doughboy."

"I want some Cheetos," said the Voice.

"No Jacob, no. We're not doing this. I hate you. Get out of my room," Sue said, suddenly ridiculously tired for no reason that I can figure out. Blood loss from slit wrists? Or just the strain of being forced to use her brain for once? Regardless, she just about passed out then and there.

"Um, what are you freaking out about?" Jacob said through another handful of Cheetos. "You've known I'm a werewolf for like five chapters now. Besides, you've got your copy of the script sitting right there. I can see it," Jacob pointed to the copy of _new moon _sitting open on Sue's nightstand. She quickly kicked it under her bed.

"Dude," Sue said, "this whole scene is supposed to be about me finding out you're a werewolf in the most angsty, romantically tension'd, drawn out, random crappy too-convenient dream sequenced way possible. If we don't do that, then what the **** are we going to do?"

"Uhhh," said Jacob.

"Uhhh," said the Voice.

"Uhhh," said Sue.

"**** it all, let's just go to the Edward scene," said the Voice.

**ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A SHODDY DIMENSION PORTAL**

"Did it work?" Liaf said, climbing to his feet.

"Um, I don't think so," Edward said, looking around. "Unless Sporks has suddenly entered an ice age since we left it."

"I wouldn't rule out the possibility," Liaf said, walking further into the ice cave.

"Hey, I think I hear voices," Edward said, running to catch up to Liaf.

"Time passes, people move... Like a river's flow, it never ends... A childish mind will turn to noble ambition... Young love will become deep affection... The clear water's surface reflects growth... Now listen to the Serenade of Water to reflect upon yourself..." a voice said from the room up ahead. Liaf and Edward headed towards it, as the gentle sounds of a harp echoed forth.

"Hey, Pretty Boy, I think we're in…" Liaf began to say, but was cut off by a series of terrible screeching noises.

"Oh, come on!" said Edward, as they reached the room. "This isn't even a book!"

There, standing in the room, were two people. One wore blue along with a tabard with a strange eye symbol on it. The only thing that could be seen of their features was blond bangs and a red eye. The other wore a green tunic and a matching hat, and had a small blue fairy floating near him that was shouting "HEY LISTEN!" over and over again. No one paid attention to it.

"Come on!" said the one in blue to the boy in green. "It's like five notes; not really that hard. Try again, fairy-boy!"

With a dejected sounding grunt, the boy raised an ocarina to his lips, and once more the screeching sound issued forth.

"Son of a *****…" the one in blue said, shaking their head, and their gaze came to rest on Liaf and Edward, standing in the doorway. "What the **** are you doing here?" the person asked. "Who even are you people?"

"HEY LISTEN!"

"Hello," said Edward, with a wave. "We are slightly lost interedimensional travelers. I am the Great Edward Cullen, and this is my carriage boy, Liaf."

Liaf kicked him in the shins.

"Awesome," said the one in blue, covering their face with a bandaged hand. "I'm Sheik, and this musical genius here is Link."

"HYAAA!" said Link, giving a friendly wave.

"Anyways, we're kinda in the middle of something here, so you'll excuse us…" Sheik said, before being cut off by Edward.

"If I may, what gender are you?" he said. "Cause I need to know if I'm going to flirt with you."

"HEY LISTEN!"

"Why do you need to know that, Pretty-Boy?" Liaf asked. "You've never had any problem with guys before. Or is it girls you're worried about?"

"Oh, no, I don't care about that," said Edward. "The technique is just different for each. And also the parts I go for—"

"Right," said Liaf.

"So which is it?" Edward asked Sheik.

"Um, well…"

"It's a simple question," said Liaf.

"Not as simple as you might think," said Sheik.

"HEY LISTEN!"

"Dude, it totally is," said Edward. "All you have to do is—"

"This is a one piece jumpsuit," said Sheik. "You're not getting it off."

"WAHHHH?" said Link.

"Oh," said Edward, momentarily stumped. "So will you make out with me anyways?"

"No."

"Please? You're totally like my heroin!" Edward whined.

"HEY LISTEN!"

"Still no."

"But—"

They were cut off by another series of tortured ocarina notes. Sheik looked back at Link in surprise.

"Oh right," Sheik said. "We're kind of in the middle of an epic quest to save the world here."

"Oh," said Edward. "That sounds important."

"Yeah kinda," said Sheik.

"So what does music have to do with that?" asked Liaf, gesturing to Link's ocarina and Sheik's harp.

"I'm _supposed_ to be teaching him the warp song so he can get to the ****ing water temple. However, he has proven himself to be rather lacking in the sound department," said Sheik with a glare. "Last time we tried to do this, I passed out in a volcano while he was trying to get the dang song right. It was awesome. I think I'm probably just going to have to take him to the temple myself, and save myself some suffering."

"Fun," said Liaf.

"HEY LISTEN!"

"Tons," said Sheik. "Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you two come along and help? You can't be any more incompetent than Fairy-Boy over here."

"Hyaagh," Link said sadly.

"What's in it for us?" asked Liaf.

"You said you're lost in the dimensions, right?" Sheik asked. "At the end of our quest, we should get access to the Triforce, which apparently does cool stuff. We should be able to send you back to the correct dimension with its power."

"Works for me," Liaf said with a shrug.

"Shweet," said Edward, stealing Link's hat and the Biggoron sword. "Let's go save the world!"

**LATER, AFTER SEVERAL TEMPLES AND MANY OBNOXIOUS PUZZLES REQUIRING YOU TO GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO GET A SMALL KEY THAT LINK COULDN'T MANAGE TO USE WITHOUT BREAKING, ALONG WITH ONE PRETTY SHWEET FINAL BOSS FIGHT, AND VAST AMOUNTS OF STRANGE TIME TRAVEL LOGIC THAT YOU SHOULDN'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT**

"Why the **** are we standing in the sky?" asked Liaf.

"I don't know," the Princess Zelda said with a shrug. "Just looked cooler, I guess."

"Can't argue with that logic!" Edward said happily. "Anyways, now that the world is saved, everyone's happy, all that crap, can you send us back to our world?"

"Yes," said Zelda, "we should be able to now."

"HEY LISTEN!"

"Lovely," said Liaf.

"Alright, all we need is for Link to play my lullaby on his ocarina, and you should be sent back," said Zelda.

"AIIIHHH!" Link said happily.

"I can finally see my heroin again!" Edward said happily. "I haven't had any good female love in a while. Except for, you know, that creepy Zora princess." He shuddered.

"Right…" said Liaf. "Wait, did you say that Link is going to play the ocarina?"

"Yes, why?" asked Zelda.

But Liaf's response was drowned out by a series of screeches that may have resembled Zelda's Lullaby, if one was very, very drunk.

"Oh right," said Zelda, as Liaf and Edward were sucked away to another dimension. "Well, looks like I'll be the one to play the ocarina to send you back to the right time," Zelda said to Link.

"HEY LISTEN!"

**SPORKS**

"Is it the next chapter yet?" Jacob asked.

"No way, dude. RisingTwilight usually ends on a funnier note than that," said Sue.

"What are you talking about, 'HEY LISTEN,' is hilarious," said the Voice. "Repetition is the soul of wit."

"Riiight," said Jacob. "Well, then why is the story back to us?"

"I don't know, I guess she wants _us_ to be funny or something," said Sue.

"Well how the **** are we supposed to do that?" asked Jacob.

"Tell knock-knock jokes?" suggested the Voice.

"I guess I could overreact and create a huge series of misunderstandings," Sue said. "That'd be almost as funny as repetition."

"Knock-knock," said the Voice.

"Yeah, might as well," said Jacob. "Better than nothing."

"Who's there?" said the Voice, in caricature of Sue's voice.

"JACOB BLACK! If you are a werewolf then clearly you must be a murderer! It's not like the wolf pack saved me before or anything! Get out of my room!" Sue shouted.

"Funny," said the Voice.

"Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before," Jacob mumbled.

"Funny who?" the Voice again imitated Sue's tone to say.

"I'll see you tomorrow!" Sue called as she kicked Jacob out her window.

"Funny ending line!"


	14. Misunderstandings

_Did anyone else see that Stephanie Meyer wrote a novella based on that one minor character whose name I can't remember from _eclipse_, that book that no one really cared about? I saw it in Target today and immediately started shrieking that it was all a scheme by Meyer to get more money. What ticks me off more is that I'll probably end up buying it to make fun of it._

_ In other news, if I go to see the movie version of _eclipse_ (which is unlikely, because I don't want to feed more money into twilight) I'm totally wearing a shirt with a sparkly pedobear on it. _

_ Also, I've seriously been planning this Edward scene for forever._

_

* * *

_

That night, Sue had a dream. Except no one really gives a **** what this girl is dreaming about. Meyer just can't think of ways for the main character, who despite Meyer's best efforts to make appear intelligent, couldn't figure out things for herself if her life depended on it, to come up with the answer in a logic manner, so she just tosses in dreams as a random plot device. Which I'm skipping. Because I don't give a **** about the plot. It really wasn't that great anyways.

Um, so yeah, Sue had her magical prophecy dream, and woke up the next morning in a fury over a wrong conclusion. She threw herself down the stairs, (In a non-suicidal way. _For now_.) all prepared to beat Jacob's remarkable delicious ***. Luckily, Charlie,_ Police Chief of Sporks_, was there to talk some sense into her.

"What the **** are you doing up so early?" he demanded, looking up from his coffee as she angrily threw a pop-tart in the toaster.

"Seriously," the Voice said. "If you get up early, then I have to too. And that does not make for a happy voice."

"My dreams tell me that Jacob's killing people," she said, drinking milk directly from the carton. "So if I'm going to go confront a supernatural murder, I want to get an early start."

"Whatever you say, sweety," Charlie said, turning back to the newspaper. "But if you're going to go confront a killer, at least take my gun with you. The townsfolk are going to go form an angry mob and go wolf-hunting today, and I'm going with them. It's probably better if I don't have my gun."

Sue couldn't argue with that logic, so she picked the gun up from its convenient spot beside the microwave and shoved it in her jeans pocket.

"Be careful, the safety's broken," Charlie said. "Have a good time with your boy-toy!"

"Don't die, old man!" Sue said, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

**THAT PLACE WHERE ALL THE WOLF KIDS LIVE**

"I want to see Jacob," Sue said, crossing her arms and glaring down at Billy.

"**** off," he replied.

"No one stands in the way of Mary Sue," she said.

"Technically, I'm not standing," Billy said. "Besides, it's like four in the morning, and the kid needs to sleep."

"See?" The voice said. "This is why people should leave stalking to the vampires."

"You honestly think you can stop me from seeing him?" Sue asked.

"Yeah, I do," Billy challenged, running his wheelchair into her shins.

"Really?" Sue said.

"Really."

"Tip his wheelchair over!" said the Voice.

Sue tipped his wheelchair over.

"Dude that is so not cool!" Billy yelled as Sue walked down the hallway to Jacob's room.

"Hey wolf-boy, come meet me on the beach!" Sue yelled into the room.

"WTF it's like four in the morning woman, can't you wait till a decent hour?" Jacob said sleepily. She slammed the door as a reply (she likes doing that) and walked out of the house, stepping over a wildly cursing Billy.

* * *

**THE BEACH**

The sun was slowly rising as Sue sat down on a smooth white log near the water. It was a remarkably clear day for Sporks, though Sue could see clouds lurking at the other horizon, just waiting to spoil her day with their cloudiness.

"Did you seriously have to tip over my dad?" Jacob asked, walking up to her. "He always gets really ticked off when that happens to him.

"He wouldn't get out of my way," Sue said with a shrug.

"Man, you really are a *****, aren't you?" Jacob asked. "Anyways, can we please just get this over with?"

"Whatever you say." Sue took a deep breath. "JACOB BLACK HOW COULD YOU!"

He plugged his ear with a finger and winced. "What did I do now?"

"I can't believe you! Edward never killed anyone!" (The Voice coughed) "Why do you have to?"

"What does Edward have to do with this?" Jacob asked. "And we don't kill people. They taste like crap."

"Liar!" the Voice exclaimed. "Clearly he's never tried properly prepared people before."

"Edward was perfect and did everything right and loved me and was perfect and would never betray me and-wait, did you say you're not killing people?" Sue asked.

Jacob sat down on the log and covered his face with his palm. "Were you overreacting and jumping to conclusions?"

"Maaaaybe," Sue said sheepishly.

"Awesome," Jacob said. "How 'bout you spill all of your vampire's secrets to me to make up for this?"

"No!" Sue said. "I can't betray Edward!"

"Heck yeah!" said the voice.

"Does he have any special powers?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, he can read minds," Sue said, and then clapped her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. "Oops."

"Son of a *****!" said the Voice. "Can't you do anything right?"

Jacob grinned, but it quickly faded when someone from the woods called, "Hey, Jacob, you finished interrogating the vamp girl yet?"

"Shut up, minions!" Jacob yelled back. "Didn't I say I would handle this?"

"Oh ho ho, what do we have here?" The Voice asked. "Dissension among the ranks?"

"I'm not your minion!" A deeper voice called back. "I'm your superior!"

"Then shut it, _sir_," Jacob said.

"**** you, Jacob Black."

"Um, are they…?" Sue asked.

"The rest of the wolf pack?" Jacob finished. "Unfortunately."

"I heard that!"

"Wow," said the Voice. "They seem almost as competent as us."

"This is so not going to end well," Sue said.

"Yup," Jacob said. "Alright guys, come on out!"

* * *

**WHEREVER THIS IS**

Edward and Liaf crashed to the ground.

"Well, let me guess," said Liaf, voice slightly muffled by the sparkly mass on top of him. "This isn't Sporks."

"I don't know, this kinda looks right," Edward said, climbing to his feet and looking around the darkened room. "I think we're in someone's house."

"Well, whaddya know," Liaf said, looking around. "Looks like that fairy-boy actually did something right."

"Shweet," Edward said. "Let's go check on Heroin. She better still be alive. And a virgin. I swear, if she and that wolf boy tried anything, the fur will fly." He pushed open the only door of the room, and they stepped out in a dark hallway.

"Good, looks like no one's home," Edward said.

"Yup," said Liaf. "I wonder whose house this is."

"Not a girl, that's for sure," Edward said. Liaf shot him a curious look and he shrugged. "I'd have recognized the place if a girl lived here."

"Right," Liaf said, "well, let's just find the door..."

They turned the corner, and suddenly the lights flickered on.

"Huh?" Edward said.

A man spoke, and both Liaf and Edward turned towards him. "Hello, Edward Cullen," he said. "My name is Chris Hansen, and I'd like you to take a seat right over there. We need to talk about your relationships with underage girls..."

"FFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-" said Edward.

"WRONG DIMENSION!" Liaf screamed. Chris Hansen stared at them.

"GET US THE **** OUTTA HERE!" Edward yelled.

"ANYWHERE'S BETTER THAN HERE!" Liaf pulled out his wand, and opened another hole in the fabric of space and time. The two promptly hopped through it.

"Well," Chris Hansen said. "That was interesting. Ummm… tune in next time, for _imprinting and extremely underaged girls._"


	15. Birthday Bonus: Afoot in the Castle

_ Oh yes it's a surprise bonus chapter! And why, you might ask, am I randomly releasing a birthday bonus chapter? WHY BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY SILLY. Which means you get a bonus chapter! WAT? And how old am I, you might ask? SEVENTEEN! And hooooow long have I been seventeen? A WHILE! BY WHICH I MEAN LIKE TWO HOURS! VAGUE TERMS ARE VAGUE!

* * *

_

Once upon a time, there was a prince who was the heir to the throne of a powerful kingdom. His seventeenth birthday was fast approaching, and it was decided by the king, Carlisle II, that a grand ball would be thrown in his honor. Nobles from all across the land attended. And in particular the daughters of those nobles attended. It was their hope that they would catch the eye of the prince and he would marry them. After all, the prince was rich, powerful, and handsome. He was every girl's dream. There was just one problem.

The prince's name was Edward Cullen.

"Shweet," said Edward, sitting on a couch in his palace. "I like where this is going."

"How the **** did you get to be the prince?" grumbled Liaf, the court jester and Edward's sometimes confidant. He stood in front of the prince, dressed in an outfit of striped blue and purple, complete with a matching hat with bells dangling from it.

"Dude, who else would it be?" Edward said, putting his feet up on the royal coffee table. "Everyone knows I'm every girl's prince charming." Having said that, he stretched a hand out towards the skirt of the maid currently serving him tea.

His hand, however, was slapped away before it reached its target. Edward looked up to find himself meeting the red-eyed glare of the Princess Rosalie, his sister. She wore a remarkably unmodest dress the color of wine and her blond hair flowed down her back. "Midget's right," she snarled. "Why should you get to be the main character? You're already hogging the main story, and you're not even supposed to be in it! The rest of us are getting annoyed."

"The rest of you?" Edward asked with a smirk. "I don't see anyone else."

"What?" Rosalie asked, whirling around, only to find no one standing behind her. "Mother ****er! Alice and Jasper were with me like thirty seconds ago! How the **** did they manage to get lost?"

"Dunno," Edward said with a shrug. "Guess you should probably go find them."

"I see what you're doing," Rosalie said, narrowing her eyes and poking him. "You're trying to get me to leave so you can get more of the story. Well it won't work! I'm on to you, Edward. And mark my words, things won't go your way!" she threatened as she stomped out of the room.

"My, she's an angry little *****, isn't she?" Liaf asked as he and Edward stared after her.

"Seriously. Girl needs some serious anger management," Edward said. "There's probably a reason she never shows up in the main story."

"Right," said Liaf. "Well, I believe we have a ball to prepare for!"

* * *

Not far from the castle, a girl sat in front of her mirror, preparing for the prince's ball. Her name was Mary Sue, or simply Sue, and she was the daughter of the _Captain of the Royal Guard_, Charlie. To his credit, the King had not been killed yet. Contributing to that fact, however, was the fact that no one wanted to kill the king. But enough about Charlie, no one cares about him. The King didn't even know his name.

Sue hummed to herself as she ran a brush through her hair. She was oh so excited for the ball. She had been allowed to attend by the virtue of being _Captain of the Royal Guard _Charlie's daughter. Sue was sure that this would be the day the Prince Edward would finally fall in love with her. She had been deeply in love with him for a very long time, ever since the first time he had felt her up. Since that day, her only contact with him had been long glances she shot at him whenever they passed each other in the castle corridors. However, Sue had already planned out their entire future together. It would be safe to say that Sue was absolutely obsessed with Edward.

In addition, being schizophrenic, Sue had also started to hear his voice in her head.

"Why the **** are you so excited?" The Voice asked. "It's not like my original will actually marry a chick like you. You can only aim to be a mistress at best. More likely he'll toy with you for a bit, get you knocked up, and then abandon you!"

"Oh Edward," Sue tittered back. "I can't wait till we can be together in person."

"You're not even listening to me, are you?" the Voice sighed. "Look woman, have I ever told you that you are seriously insane? And this is coming from the Voice in your head. I think you can trust me."

"Edward," Sue sighed dreamily.

The Voice wished it could have been inside someone else's head.

* * *

The castle was full of activity, servants running every direction preparing for the festivities that night. Most everyone seemed to be in good cheer, barring one: the Princess Rosalie.

She angrily strode down the hallways, murmuring to herself in a distinctly nefarious manner.

"That Edward!" she fumed. "He thinks he can take all the story for himself, does he? Well, I'll show him. I will make him suffer! But how! HOW?"

Luckily for Rosalie, at that precise moment, she passed the witch's quarters (don't ask me why they had a witch living in the castle), and was smote with sudden inspiration. She knocked on the witch's door.

The witch promptly answered the door. She was wearing all black, and had bright orange hair that flowed from beneath her pointed hat. Her name was Victoria.

"What do you want?" Victoria snarled.

"I want to kill Edward," Rosalie snarled back.

The look in Victoria's eyes became calculating. "Come in," she said to Rosalie.

The two took a seat in the witch's quarters.

"I've wanted to kill that perverted prince for ages," said Victoria. "I was just looking for an excuse."

"Lovely," said Rosalie. "How quickly can it be done?"

"Wait just a moment," said Victoria. "I think I have a better idea. Instead of killing him, why don't we put a curse on him? That's much more witch-like anyways."

"I'm listening," said Rosalie. "What'll it do?"

"I'll put a curse on him that makes him fall in love with the first woman he sees," explained Victoria, "and then we'll make sure the first person he sees is that idiot daughter of the Captain of the Guard. It'll only wear off when they are married. Having to spend the rest of his life with her is a far greater torture than killing him ever could be."

"Alright," Rosalie said. "I'm in."

* * *

In the Grand Ballroom of the palace, Edward's birthday celebration was already in full swing. However, the Prince himself had yet to make an appearance.

"Seriously, Pretty-Boy, how much more glitter do you need? And that is definitely enough Axe. Girls hate that stuff anyways," Liaf said.

"Shut it," Edward said, dumping another tube of glitter on himself and spraying on more Axe. "I can have you beheaded, you know."

"Yeah whatever," said Liaf. "I'm the mother ****ing jester. I get to make fun of you."

"Dang it!" Edward said. "How come you got the cool role?"

"Dude, you're the prince," Liaf said.

"Oh right," said Edward. His can of Axe made a spurting sound as it ran out. "Well, looks like I'm ready!"

Personally, Liaf felt that Edward looked more like a fairy than a prince, to say nothing of a vampire. But he grunted his agreement, and followed Edward out into the hall.

However, before the door even swung shut behind them, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Rosalie's hissed "Now!" and Edward was enveloped in a cloud of glittery pink smoke (it took Liaf a moment to notice anything had changed).

Both Edward and Liaf coughed and waved the smoke away. Edward had barely managed to open his eyes, however, when he was forced to close them again due to a girl abruptly crashing into him. Almost like she had been pushed by a certain Princess and Witch.

Edward fell to the floor, the girl landing on top of him. When he opened them again, he found himself staring into the face of that creepy daughter of the Captain of the Guard. What was her name again? Brittney, or something like that.

However, even as these thoughts crossed his mind, Victoria's curse took effect, and a strange feeling swept over him. He couldn't resist it for long, and he stretched towards the girl lying on top of him.

And bit her neck.

Liaf was frozen in a facepalm. Rosalie and Victoria had come out from the corner they were hiding in and were now watching in terrified fascination as Edward drank Sue's blood rather clumsily. He was getting red all over his outfit.

"It would appear," Victoria whispered. "That I messed something up."

"You think?" Rosalie hissed.

"Rather than loving the first woman he saw, he wants to _eat _her," said Victoria.

Rosalie glared at her.

"It was an honest mistake!" Victoria said.

"Well, whatever," Rosalie said, spinning around. "I can work with this. We'll just have to nail him on murder charges. Hey, who knows, this might even be good. Two birds with one stone and all that."

"Am I the only one who's noticed the girl hasn't pushed him away yet?" Victoria asked before catching up with Rosalie.

"She's probably enjoying it. Freak," Rosalie snarled.

Indeed, Sue's face was the very portrait of bliss.

Victoria and Rosalie began to walk off. Before they could get very far, however, the large window in the hallway shattered as a man in a suit of armor crashed through it. Rather, a suit of armor that lacked a breastplate, exposing his chest.

"Alright," said Jacob. "I'm here to save the day."

"Oh joy," muttered Liaf, still facepalming.

"Save the day from _what_?" asked Rosalie.

Jacob threw Sue off Edward into a wall. She slid down it, leaving a trail of blood as she collapsed on the floor. He then staked Edward.

"Oh," Rosalie said.

"Not to interrupt or anything," Liaf said. "But aren't you supposed to save the woman, not kill her?" He poked Sue. There was no reaction.

"Naw," said Jacob. He stood up. The shine of his armor was only outdone by the shine of his bare chest. "She's kind of an annoying *****.

"I think we can all agree on that," Liaf said. All present nodded their agreement.

"So, um, what now?" Jacob asked finally.

"There's still a birthday party to go to," Rosalie said with a shrug.

"Even if the birthday boy is now deceased?" Liaf asked.

"More cake for us!" Jacob said brightly.

And they all went off and celebrated, and everyone lived happily ever after, except for the maids who had to clean up the corpses, and Charlie, _Captain of the Royal Guard. '_Cause, you know, his daughter was kinda dead. And he cared about her. In a gruff sort of way.

* * *

_I guess this is a weird story to celebrate my birthday with. But I'm a weird person, so it works. _


	16. Strategic Blunders

_ I probably should have done this ages ago, but hey, better late than never, huh?_

_ DISCLAIMER: the following (and preceding) does not necessarily reflect the views of Risingtwilight. Some of the content may be considered offensive. However, do know that it was not my intent to hurt anybody (not even Meyer, if you can believe that), and if I do hurt anyone, I sincerely apologize. My intent has only ever been to make you smile.

* * *

_

The werewolf pack looked remarkably like a group of teenage boys. This came as a surprise to Sue.

"Look at them, with their shirts off," the Voice muttered. "What blatant fanservice. Despicable."

Sue was certainly looking, but she couldn't quite agree with the opinion of the Voice. They looked pretty smexy, striding out of the woods like that. It seemed they'd even set up a fog machine for the occasion.

Jacob raised his palm to his face. "Seriously guys, what do you think you're doing? You look like a bunch of idiots."

"Hey!" One of the minions said. "We look _cool_. And besides, we're trying to win your girlfriend over so she'll tell us everything we need to know about the vampires."

"Dude, that'll never work," Jacob said. "You guys suck at planning."

"Need I remind you that _I _am the leader here?" said the older one, who Sue assumed was Sam. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned Sam before, but if I haven't, well then, _Sam, _everybody. Great guy. Ish.

"Yeah, whatever," Jacob snorted. "I don't take orders from anyone. And if you don't believe me, then wait until we get to _breaking dawn_."

"Yeah, whatever," one of the minions muttered. "Girl's got you whipped, man."

Jacob turned to glare at him.

"Speaking of which, our plan totally did work," the other minion said. The whole pack turned to look at Sue, who was busy salivating over the abundance of wolf-boy abs before her.

"Come on, Woman, snap out of it!" The Voice said. "Do not be taken in by their cheap tricks! Remember your true love, the one who stalked you for like a year, nearly ate you, and then abandoned you, sending you into a spiraling depression!"

"Hot…" Sue murmured.

"Alright, we've got her right where we want her! Go minions, attack!" Sam commanded.

"That's my word," Jacob said, glaring at Sam.

"If you have a problem with me, then why don't you go form your own pack?" Sam sneered.

"Maybe I will!" Jacob shot back.

Meanwhile, the minions had bounded forward to beginning interrogating Sue.

"Do you know anything about this redhead vamp?"

"Victoria. Kinda psycho. Generic villain. Had a thing for equally generic James," Sue said, eyes slightly glazed over.

"No! Stop this! Resist! RESIST!" the Voice yelled.

"James?" the other minion questioned.

"Ugly guy. Got killed by Liaf last summer, cause Edward was kinda being digested by a shark at the time. Except we're saying she has a grudge against Edward. Plothole."

"Oh come on now, Woman, they're just abs!" the Voice said. "I'm sure my owner would happy to show you his when he gets back! Come on, _Robert Patterson Shirtless_! Huh? Huh?"

"So do you know what she wants?" A minion asked.

"Me. Dead," Sue replied.

"Well, that's not too bad," said the Voice. "I'm pretty sure everyone wants you dead, to be perfectly honest."

"Oooo, but doesn't this make things convenient?" One of the minions cackled.

"So what's up with the Cullens?" the other asked.

"Edward's being an angsty *******."

"Hey, that hurts!" said the Voice. "It's for your own… er, good. I guess. No, I can't even make that excuse." The Voice sighed. "Well, I suppose my owner is a bit of an idiot."

"Hey, how skilled are they in battle?" asked a minion.

"A bunny could beat them," Sue said in a monotone, still staring at wolf-boy chests.

"Oh that is just out of line!" exclaimed the Voice. "What are you going to tell them next, our weaknesses?"

"What are their weaknesses?" asked a minion.

"GOD****** ALL," said the Voice.

"Holy water, crosses, sharks, Hot Topic, pretty much any sharp object, any sort of drug, fangirls, fire, werewolfs, decent vampire novels, interviews, and themselves," Sue paused. "Oh yeah, and Rosalie has this thing for babies."

"Wow," said the members of the wolf pack. Jacob and Sam had even stopped their fist-fight long enough to stare at Sue, who merely stared right back.

"… that's kind of a lot," admitted the Voice. "We sorta suck, don't we?"

"Well!" said Sam, breaking the silence. "Now that we have bait, why don't we set a trap for this Victoria? Any objections?"

"I—" Jacob said.

"No? Good!" Sam said. Jacob glared at him.

"Wait," Sue said, suddenly breaking out of her ab-trance. "You're going to go fight Victoria?"

"No," said one of the minions, "We're going to have tea with her."

Sue ignored him. "B-but that could be dangerous!"

"What's she going on about?" Sam whispered to Jacob.

"I seem to recall that she's rather prone to overreaction," Jacob whispered back.

"Oh, is that so?" Sam asked.

"YOU COULD DIE!" Sue wailed.

"Indeed it is," Jacob answered Sam.

"Do you realize that in every book, you spend like five chapters leading up to the climax just flat out worrying and angsting, only for _nothing to actually happen_?" The Voice asked Sue.

"I'M SO WORRIED!" Sue cried.

_Sue has received a new title: Queen of Overreaction!_

"Oh, just knock her out already," Sam said. "This parody had too much capslock abuse in the first fic. We don't need to repeat that again."

"Hey wait don't do that you'll get me too—" the Voice cried.

Jacob stepped and whacked Sue on the head. She slumped over unconscious, indeed taking the Voice with her. "I'll just stick her on my couch and we can wait for Victoria to show."

Having finished another successful meeting, the pack headed back to Jacob's house.

* * *

**THIS PLACE**

"Well that was terrifying," Edward said cheerfully, standing up and brushing himself off.

"I'll ****ing say," Liaf grumbled as he got to his feet. "Of all places, the Dateline universe? I'm going to go ahead and say that that was all your fault for being such a little pedo."

"Hey!" Edward protested. "There's nothing little about me!"

"You keep telling yourself that, pretty-boy," said Liaf. "So where'd we end up?"

"Dunno," Edward glanced around them. They appeared to be standing on a path in the middle of the woods. Fairly generic as settings go. It was only once he glanced down that he realized where they were. "Hey Liaf?" Edward said. "What are we standing on?"

Liaf shrug at the request but glanced down anyways. His eyebrows rose. "Is this… a yellow brick road?"

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," Edward said.

Liaf kicked him in the shins. "Just no, Pretty-boy."

Edward began to whimper, while Liaf tried to figure out what to do next.

"Hey, do you hear a musical number approaching?" Liaf asked.

Edward looked up from his shin and tilted his head to the side. "Yes, actually."

Sure enough, Dorothy and her little band of misfits promptly rounded the corner, singing at the top of their lungs.

"Aren't her shoes supposed to magically return her home?" Edward asked Liaf. They both grinned at the same time.

Dorothy and the others had been so distracted by singing that they had not noticed Edward and Liaf. Because of this, when the duo sprang out of the trees, Dorothy's group was caught off guard and Edward managed to rip out Dorothy's jugular before anyone managed to react.

"That's going to mess some things up," Liaf said, staring at the body as Edward removed her shoes.

Edward dragged it behind a tree. "Pay no attention to the corpse behind the curtain!" he called.

"That's a tree," said Liaf.

"Same difference," Edward said with a shrug.

"Ugh," Liaf said, facepalming. "Let's just get out of here. You're having way too much fun with this."

"Right!" said Edward. The rest of Dorothy's now leaderless band watched in horrified fascination as he picked up the ruby slippers, which were resting in a pool of similarly colored blood, and slipped them on.

"Nice shoes," commented Liaf.

"Shut it," said Edward. "Now come here and take my hand." Liaf just glared at him. "Come on dude, don't make this awkward." With a sigh, Liaf grudgingly went over to Edward.

"Man, your hand's covered in blood," Liaf grumbled.

"Alright, what am I supposed to say?" Edward asked, clicking his heels.

"There's no place—"

"Like a girl's pants?" Edward asked.

And then they were gone.

* * *

_Hope none of you were _Wizard of Oz _fans. _


	17. In Which We Learn That Suicide Kills You

_This chapter is a lot of getting things set up for next chapter. Oh well.

* * *

_

"So has anyone managed to catch the redheaded vampire yet?" Sam asked the rest of the pack, assembled in Jacob's living room. They all shook their heads.

"Well, keep it up," Sam said with a sigh. "She has to come out eventually. We have what she wants, after all." He glanced to the side, where an unconscious Sue was lying on the couch. "Speaking of which, how is our bait?"

"Good, I think," said Jacob with a shrug. "Every time she wakes up, she starts freaking out, so I just knock her out again."

"And no one's gotten suspicious?" one of the minions asked.

"Nope," Jacob grinned. "In fact, I think her dad-you know, that Charlie loser-is actually happy. For one thing, he doesn't have to deal with her. And for another, he thinks we hooked up, and he likes me way more than that angsty vamp of hers. Charlie just says hi to her whenever he comes down here to watch sports and then leaves a box of condoms before he goes home. It's pretty shweet."

"Then you have spare condoms?" one of the minions asked eagerly.

"Not a chance," said Jacob with a smirk. "I'm going to need them. I mean, have you seen this chest? The ladies love the Jacob."

At that precise moment, Sue sat bolt upright and immediately began screaming.

"OMG JACOB ARE YOU DEAD? DON'T DO THIS THE GENERIC VAMPIRE VILLIAN WILL KILL YOU! I-"

"Dear sweet god, someone shut that girl up!" Sam said, covering up his ears.

"Would you just go jump off a cliff or something?" One of the minions, palms firmly over his ears, told Sue.

"'Kay," she said, abruptly shutting up. She then stood up and promptly sprinted out of the room.

Jacob slammed a hand over his face. "Awesome, minion. When this is over, you're fired."

* * *

"Let's take a moment and think about this," said the Voice.

Sue looked down at the dark, swirling waves.

"This is a cliff. A really tall, scary cliff, with dangerous water at the bottom that you know virtually nothing about," said the Voice

Absently, Sue noted the ominous clouds gathering at the horizon. Seemed like a storm would soon be upon them.

"I don't think any good idea has every began with the phrase 'Let's jump off a cliff,'" said the Voice.

Man, she was up high. The sharp, jagged rocks at the bottom looked like little specks.

"You got the idea for this little stunt because you saw the wolf pack trying. The _wolf pack. _My dear, the wolf pack is by no means an example of brilliance. In fact, from what I've seen, they are the opposite."

She wondered if she should go headfirst or try to do a flip.

"So, while you claim this is not a suicide attempt, I must ask: how the **** do you think this is doing to end? I'll give you a hint-it won't be pretty."

Deciding head first was probably best, Sue jumped.

"HOLY ****!" the Voice screamed in Sue's head. "You're going to be the death of both of us!"

Sue did not respond, as she was too busy listening to the sound of Edward's voice. Also, the concussion she had obtained when she smacked into a protrusion on the cliff wasn't helping much.

She plunged down to the frothing, angry waters with a smile on her face. The Voice, at this point, was simply shrieking in terror. With a splash, she entered the icy water.

For a moment, she simply floated there, grinning like an idiot, wavering on the edge of consciousness. She had smacked her head (again) on the floor of the sea, and was now unable to realize should probably be saving herself from drowning.

"Edward," she muttered blissfully.

"WOMAN!" cried the Voice. "what the **** do you think you're doing. Swim! Swim! Dead people don't taste good!"

"Edward... my love..." she said, as she faded into oblivion.

"NO!" said the Voice. "I never even ****ed you!"

But then, as Sue was pulled along by the current and the end seemed near, another voice rang out.

"SHAPE OF: A SHARKBOY!"

* * *

**STILL NOT KANSAS**

"Well, those are certainly a girl's pants." Liaf said.

"I think the proper name for this would be a skort, actually," Edward said, doing a little twirl. "All the breezy comfort of a skirt, without fear of flashing my panties."

"Dude, that's mine," said a blond girl with pointed ears. "If you want magic pants, you'll have to win them fair and square."

While Edward and the elf proceeded to get in a cat fight, Liaf turned to a tall, muscular gentleman with green skin and asked, "So, you mind telling me where we are exactly?"

The man-an orc-gave him a strange look and said, "This is Icecrown Citadel. We're about to fight Arthas. Are you guys ready?"

"Quick question," asked Edward, who was currently having his hair pulled by the elf. "Who's Arthas?"

"The Lich King? The big final boss guy? The guy who will kill us if you guys don't know what you're doing?"

"I see," said Edward.

"Geez r u guys n00bs?" asked an undead mage, who was currently jumping up and down.

"Does it hurt to talk like that?" Liaf asked curiously.

"Wat?"

"Nevermind. Pretty-boy, come here for a second," Liaf grabbed Edward's arm and dragged him away from the group of makeshift heroes. "It seems we've gotten stuck in the World of Warcraft dimension."

"Oh shweet, I used to play that game!" Edward said. Liaf stared at him. "What? I have kind of a boring life, alright?"

"Anyways," said Liaf. "You know, this is all your fault. How you managed to mess up even that, I will never understand."

Edward shrugged. "'There's no place like home?' What kind of stupid magic words are those? And I will add, I did manage to get into a girl's pants." He gestured down at the skort he was wearing.

Liaf growled under his breath. "We can discuss your strange affinity for crossdressing later. Right, how 'bout you try out those glittery shoes of yours again? And _do it right_ this time."

"Fine," Edward said with a sigh, clicking his heels twice and saying the magic words. This time, however, nothing happened.

"Why isn't it working?" Liaf snarled.

"Hmm," Edward said, regarding the ruby slippers. "I guess I used up all their magic to get here. We'll have to find some other way to get home."

Liaf launched himself at Edward with an inarticulate cry of rage.

"Are you guys done yet?" The green skinned fellow asked. "I'd kind of like to fight the boss already."

"and gEt sum phat l00tz," added the undead.

"Well, actually," said Liaf, releasing Edward's throat. "We didn't really come here to kill this guy, you see..." And then Liaf proceeded to explain his and Edward's situation.

When he had finished, the orc nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose we could have WorgenFreeman make a portal to send you two home."

"_WorgenFreeman?"_ Edward asked.

The orc shrugged. "It's the name of our mage. What can you do?"

"Wait," said Liaf, "did you say that the one sending us home is-"

"PORTAL ISH RDY!" said the undead mage.

"Oh, there is no way in **** that I'm stepping through that-" said Liaf.

"In you go!" said Edward, pushing him in before stepping through himself. The portal closed behind them.

"No!" cried the elf girl. "He's still wearing my skort!"


	18. The Shapeshifters Strike Back

_I seriously have lost all ability to count properly. Which is probably bad, since I'm going to be taking calculus next year.

* * *

_

"What were you thinking?" yelled Jacob and the Voice simultaneously.

Huh, that was odd. Sue had kinda thought she was, you know, dead. But evidently that was not the case, seeing as she could make out the blurry outline of Jacob—who was, of course, shirtless—looming over her. She was pretty sure that Jacob wasn't dead, so she couldn't be either.

"If I hadn't been a shark-boy before I became a wolf-boy, you would have been in serious trouble just now just now. What were you thinking?" repeated Jacob.

"Ummm…. 'wheeeeeee!'?" Sue said dumbly.

"I'm facepalming right now, in case you were wondering," the Voice informed her.

"What kinda last words are those?" asked Jacob.

"Oh, no no no, you have it all wrong," Sue said with a smile. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. "

"Then you just jumped off a cliff for the fun of it?" asked Jacob.

"Yup," Sue said, glad to have cleared up the misunderstanding.

"Let me get this straight," said Jacob slowly. "You jumped off a hundred foot cliff, into icy-cold, stormy waters, just for the hell of it?"

"Uh-huh," Sue said, not really seeing the big deal.

"I see why your vamp abandoned you now," said Jacob through his hands.

"Yeah, who's laughing now, dog?" sneered the Voice.

"Right," said Sue. "So, did anything important happen while I was _not _killing myself?"

"Yeah," said Jacob, "some old geezer of a minor character died."

"Oh," said Sue. "And I care why?"

"Plot device," answered Jacob.

"How so?"

His death will lead to a tragic yet hilarious misunderstanding that will result in Edward thinking your 'not-suicide' attempt was successful, and as such he will try to kill himself in the most lengthy yet fabulous way possible.

"Oh," said Sue. "Well, son of a *****, we're ripping off _Romeo and Juliet_, aren't we?"

"Yup," said the Voice cheerfully. "And very poorly too, might I add. Oh man, wait until you see all the angsty hypothetical situations involving _Romeo and Juliet _metaphors in here, especially since they're rendered pointless by the fact that you and my origin will be back to making out in like twenty pages. Besides, does anyone in our audience even know who Paris is? I imagine the majority of them just sparknoted the play, because, let's be honest here, who really wants to read Shakespeare? More to the point, who really wants to be reading the _twilight _rip-off of _Romeo and Juliet_. None of you better be raising your hands."

Sue put her hand down. "Anyway, wanna go back to my place?"

"Oh?" said Jacob, raising an eyebrow.

Sue slapped him. "Not like that, you furry. I'm friendzoneing you, remember?"

"****ing women," Jacob grumbled.

"Anyways, what I meant was, I nearly drowned, so I'm now going to go and eat like and entire bag of cheetos because I have an excuse."

"Fine," said Jacob, as they began walking to Sue's car. "And then maybe we can make out!"

She hit him again. "No way! I'm just going to make you listen to all my problems and spend all your time with me, only to ultimately throw you away for my abusive 'real' boyfriend."

"Wow," said Jacob, "this story really does present all the bad points of a relationship as good things."

They arrived at Sue's car only to find the two minions standing outside it. The shorter one was holding a video camera.

"Did you get it?" Jacob asked.

The minion nodded. "Yup, we should be able to get some really good money for the footage of girlie's suicide attempt from a gag video show."

"Not a suicide!" protested Sue.

"We also got some sweet footage of the red-haired vamp in a bikini," chimed the other minion.

"Nice work," said Jacob. "We're going back to her house. You guys go do… whatever it is you do when I'm not around."

The two climbed into Sue's car and drove off.

"Man, what a day," said Jacob. "I'll sure miss the minor character plot-device guy."

"Yeah," said Sue. "I mean, Charlie'll be devastated. Think of _Charlie_!"

They were nearly to Sue's house now. She turned onto her street.

"I don't know how this day could get worse," said Jacob wearily.

"Alice!" Sue cried.

* * *

**SOME OTHER DIMENSION**

"Oh, my head," Edward groaned as he climbed to his feet.

"Are we home yet?" Liaf asked, facedown on the ground.

"Nope," said Edward cheerfully, "looks like our little friend WorgenFreeman messed up."

"Awesome," said Liaf, sitting up. "Why is it that everyone with the power to manipulate dimensions is absolutely incompetent?"

"You do realize that you were responsible for two of our dimensional mishaps, correct?" asked Edward, inspecting their surroundings.

"... shut up," said Liaf. He glanced around. "So where are we now?"

"Dunno," Edward said. "Some kinda freaky desert."

"Freaky's the right word for it," Liaf muttered, shielding his eyes from the sun. Despite the fact that he and Edward were glittering like a ganster's bling in the brilliant sun-suns?-no one gave them more than a second glance. There was an interesting variety of creatures around them. Liaf even saw one creature about as tall as him, its entire body hidden from view by a brown cloak. Liaf shook his head and gestured to a nearby building. "Let's go in there and see if anyone can help us."

Edward agreed and they slipped into the darkened interior of the building. It appeared to be some type of bar, filled with an even more impressive collection of aliens than outside. There was a strangely catching song being played, and Liaf found himself nodding to the beat as he shoved people out of his way, Edward trailing along behind.

They had just about reached the bar when some crazy old guy pulled out a lightsaber and just about cut Liaf's head off.

He began to snarl obscenities, but the old guy didn't seem to notice, merely turning his attention back to his companion, some farm boy, it looked like.

"Can you believe that guy?" Liaf said to Edward. Edward, however, was busy with the severed arm the old man had recently removed from another patron. "Seriously?" Liaf asked, as Edward sucked the blood out of it.

"I'm not going to let a perfectly good arm go to waste," Edward said.

"There's a time and a place for that, and this is neither," said Liaf.

"Au contraire, mon petit ami," said Edward. "Have you looked around this place? We don't stand out all. It's full of psychos-just look at those guys." He gestured to a booth where a human and a green alien where arguing about some debt the human owed. Then, suddenly, both pulled out their blasters and bolts of energy filled the air. When all was said and done, the green alien was dead, and the human was walking off.

Edward whistled. "Se what I mean. So, who do you think shot first?"

"The green one," Liaf said after a slight hesitation.

"What, no way dude, it was the human," said Edward."

"I don't think that we're going to find anyone to help us here," said Liaf. They walked out of the cantina, back into the town. "And it was totally the green one."

They wandered aimlessly around, arguing about who shot first. They only stopped their "discussion" when someone called out to them.

"Hey, you two, stop!" Edward and Liaf turned around to see a group of men dressed from head to toe in white armor. "Are you two the droids we're looking for?" asked one with and orange shoulderpad, evidently their leader.

"They must be," muttered another. "Why else would they be glittering in the sun like that? Besides, they fit our descriptions-one tall and one short one."

"Short, am I?" asked Liaf with a glare that might have been threatening had he not been a three foot tall twipire.

"Yes," Edward whispered to Liaf.

"You two are going to have to come with us," said the lead stormtrooper.

"And why the **** would we do that?" asked Liaf. "We're not even from this dimension. You have no authority over us. And besides, we don't even listen to the cops in our own world."

"Um, what?" asked the stormtrooper, tilting his head to the side slightly.

"Now, pretty-boy!" hissed Liaf.

Edward threw the severed arm-now completely drained of blood-into the group of stormtroopers, who all began shrieking. The twipiric duo took the opportunity to run like ****.

"Hey, Pretty-boy, let's hide in here," said Liaf, as they sprinted past a hanger containing a ship called the Millennium Falcon. Edward nodded, and the two swiftly stowed on board. However, they had barely settled into a secret compartment when they felt the ship take off.

"Oh, great," Liaf groaned, "where are we going now?"

"Psst, Liaf," whispered Edward.

"What is it now, Pretty-Boy?"

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

"Don't make me hurt you."

"I'd like to see you try."

"Tough words coming from a man in a skirt."

"It's a skort."

"And that makes it _better_?"


	19. Return of the Twipires

_So I messed up counting the chapters in _new moon. _Again. This has got to be like the fifth time. And since I don't like to take responsibility, I'm going to say it's Meyer's fault for having like five chapters of them on an airplane to build suspense. They all blur together and it messes me up. _

_ By the way, would it kill these characters to react to a situation like normal people for once? They're going to give themselves sparkly ulcers from all the unnecessary angst._

_ Finally, thanks goes to my brother, for informing me that B-Wings were not invented at the time of the first Death Star, and therefore Liaf and Edward could not be flying one. I don't know how he knew that, but he did, and the chapter is more accurate for it.

* * *

_

_ Flashback- "Alice!" Sue cried. _

"Wait, what?" asked Jacob, looking around frantically. "Where?"

Sue screeched to a halt on her driveway, throwing the car into park. She gestured frantically at the stolen car parked half on the sidewalk, half on her lawn. "That's got be her! She must inside!"

"Considering there are any number of people who want to kill you, I think-" Jacob began to say, but Sue had already raced inside her house. Jacob sighed and then followed her.

Fortunately-or unfortunately, it's really a matter of perspective-Sue had guessed correctly, and there, standing on broken glass in the middle of Sue's front room, was Alice. Sue immediately ran up to her and began blubbering hysterically.

"You broke a window?" Jacob asked Alice, stepping into the house cautiously and staring at the broken glass.

Alice shrugged as best she could with a wailing Mary Sue attached to her. "Front door was locked. I had to get in somehow."

"So you broke in," Jacob said.

"Yeah. It's okay, I'm a vampire. We're pretty, so we can get away with minor crimes like stalking, breaking and entering, grand theft auto, date rape, murder... little things," said Alice with another half-shrug. "Especially when they involve Sue here. After all, who's she gunna tell? Her father?"

"Point taken," said Jacob. "So, um... why are you here?"

"Oh," said Alice. "I though she was dead. I wanted her stuff."

Sue only hugged her tighter. Jacob slammed his head against the wall once.

"Why did you think that?" Jacob asked.

"I saw her kill herself. I have the power to see into the future," said Alice. "Which reminds me of another crime we vampires commit! Stock-market fraud!"

Jacob ignored her comment. "I thought vampires having special powers was a load of crap."

"I saw Sue here shooting herself in the head, didn't I?" asked Alice. "How'd she survive, anyway?"

Jacob triple dotted for a while, and then said, "she jumped off a cliff."

"Wow, she really wanted to kill herself, huh?"

"Not a suicide," Sue muttered blissfully, still clinging to Alice.

"No, I mean she didn't try to kill herself with a gun. She tried to kill herself by jumping off a cliff," said Jacob.

"Grr, how many times do I have to say it?" Sue said, glaring at Jacob. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was just placing myself in danger so I could hear the voice in my head!"

"Who is currently not speaking to you," said the Voice.

"You keep telling our readers that," said Jacob to Sue.

"Anyways," said Alice with a shrug. "So I was wrong about the method. Minor details. How'd she survive the cliff?"

"I saved her," said Jacob.

"Oh," said Alice. "Why?"

"Because I want to **** her unborn daughter."

Sue and Alice stared at him. Even the Voice was speechless.

"How 'bout we pretend I just said I have no idea?" Jacob suggested.

"Yeah, agreed," everyone immediately said.

"So, um, what now?" Jacob asked.

"Hmm..." said Sue. "The script calls for me and Alice to have a slumber party."

"Shweet," said Alice. "I brought the weed."

"Also, there's some mentions of the fact that I practically fell into a coma when Edward dumped me. Never mind that there were concentration camp victims who dealt with their trauma better."

"Yeah, screw the script," said Jacob.

"How 'bout we just have some tea and wait for Edward to overreact and screw everything up. _Again_," said Sue.

"Sounds good to me," said Jacob. "Do you have Earl Grey?"

* * *

**A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY...**

"Pretty-boy," groaned Liaf, helmeted head in his hands. "Remind me how we got here."

"Hmmm?" said Edward, sitting beside him, watching the stars. "Well, I wanted to learn how to drive, so we went to a driving school, except we kinda got involved in a car chase. And then we caused an explosion."

"No, I don't mean how we got stuck in a different dimension."

"Oh, well then, our buddy Worgenfreeman messed the portal up, and-"

"No, a little later."

"Well, we stowed on board that ship, and then you nearly got decapitated by the old guy (again), and then they we're like 'we're going to Alderaan,' and we were like 'shweet,' and then they were like 'Alderaan's gone,' and we were like 'wut?' and then I said, 'that's no moon!' and you hit me for using obnoxious quotes again, and then the old guy died and you were happy because that meant he couldn't kill you and then I signed us both up for the rebellion cause that hot chick with the danish hairstyle asked me to, and then-"

"No, Pretty-boy, I mean, how did we get here!" Liaf gestured around them. They were currently sitting on the edge of the Death Star trench, their legs dangling freely. The stars swirled all around them, only interrupted by clashes between starfighters.

"Oh," said Edward. "Well, everyone was panicking, saying the Death Star was coming, so they stuck us in a Y-Wing and told us to stop it. After we finished laughing, you went off to try and figure out how to work the gun while I was messing with the controls. I saw this big red button, so of course I immediately pressed it. Except it turns out that was the eject button, and it sent us hurtling out into space. We screamed for a while, and then realized we were standing on the Death Star. And now we're sitting here, breathing vacuum."

"Oh, lovely," said Liaf. "Can vampires cry?"

"No," said Edward.

"Son of a *****."

"Don't worry," said Edward, "We'll get out of this somehow. I'm too pretty to spend the rest of my life here!"

"Hey, Pretty-Boy," said Liaf, "remember when I said I'd kill you if you got me involved in another of your messes?"

"Yeah, so-uh, hey, remember that exhaust port thingy they were telling us about at the mission briefing?"

"_I _remember. How do you? You were texting throughout the whole thing!"

"Hey, I can multitask!" protest Edward.

"That's a miracle in itself. But what's your point?" asked Liaf.

"Well, maybe we can sneak in through there! At least we won't be trapped out here then." Edward jumped into the trench and began inspect the small opening.

"Pretty-Boy, I really don't think-" Liaf began to say, but was interrupted by a sudden burst of noise from helmet's communicator.

"Gold leader, missiles away!"

"Oops," said Liaf, watching as the missiles shot from the Y-Wing fighter that had been screaming down the Death Star trench. They streaked towards the exhaust port-and Edward, since he was currently standing right in front of it. Liaf watched, the horror on his face, for some strange reason, expressing itself as glee, as Edward was struck by the missile and consumed in a giant fireball.

"Negative!" came over Liaf's comm. "The missiles just impacted off the surface."

"Mother ****er," said a rather familiar, if slightly dazed, voice. Evidently, while Edward's vampireness had allowed him to survive, it had not been a pleasant experience. "Why did they do that?"

"I wouldn't know, Pretty-Boy," Liaf replied. "_Someone _got us kicked out of the briefing with his comments before they got to that part."

"Hey, I'm sure I'm not the only one who wanted to bang the princess. Like that Luke kid. I bet he'd agree with me," said Edward

"Speaking of that Luke kid, he's coming!"

"Tee-hee..."

"Pretty-Boy, you better stop thinking like the teenage boy you pretend to be, and _duck_!"

Edward dropped to the ground just as two missiles went sailing overhead, slipping smoothly into the exhaust port. The comm system broke out into a series of cheers.

"Hey wait," said Liaf. "Doesn't that go right to the main reactor?"

"Yeah, so?" Edward answered.

"Pretty-boy, that means this thing is going to _explode_-"

**BANG!**


	20. Some Things Never Change

_I seriously know where I'm going with this, so don't you even worry.

* * *

_

Sue did, in fact, have Earl Grey, much to the delight of her company. She made a pot, and then human, werewolf, and Alice sat down in the living room.

"So," said Alice, "How's life?"

"Awesome, of course," said the Voice. "That's why she jumped off a cliff."

"Not a suicide," Sue muttered.

Alice tilted her head to the side. "Is she talking to herself?"

"Yeah," said Jacob. "She does that."

"Hmm," said Alice. "She was really ****ing obsessed with Edward, wasn't she?"

"_Is_," said Jacob. "She _is_ really obsessed with Edward."

"You're joking," said Alice said, raising her eyebrows. "It's been like two years. Or six months. Or something. I don't really care. All I know is that's way too long to still be depressed over a breakup. Especially with some creeper like Edward."

At the sound of his name, Sue spat out her scalding hot tea all over Jacob (who swore loudly and then used one of Charlie's table doilies to wipe it away) and then began sobbing hysterically. She buried her face in a pillow.

"Yeah," said Jacob, tossing the tea-soaked doily in the corner. "You don't have to tell me. I've spent the last two years/six months/whatever dealing with her." He gestured down at his bare chest. "You'd think that any chick who has me to comfort her would forget about their loser boyfriend instantly. But Mary Sue's too much of a special snowflake to fall for the charms of Jacob Black."

"Or she's just not into bestiality," Alice said, lighting up a joint.

Jacob glared at her and then took a sip of his tea.

Eventually Sue pulled her face away from the pillow (now damp from tears) and then turned to Alice. "So, what have you been up to for this indeterminate amount of time?"

Alice waved her joint in the air dismissively. "Oh, not much. That I remember, that is. All know is that this is the last bit of weed to be found on the East Coast and Carlisle and Esme are still looking for Jasper."

"Oh," Sue said, "And what have Carlisle and Esme been doing?"

"Wild vampire sex," said Alice, using her free hand to pick up her cup of tea. "They've been going at it for six months. Or two years. I'm pretty sure they lost track of time, and the maids in the hotel think that room is haunted. The left the door barricaded and escaped through a window when I told them I lost Jasper. Cause, you know, the moans."

Jacob looked suitably scarred for life. Sue looked confused. "Why would there be moans?"

Alice turned to Jacob incredulously. "She's seriously that innocent?"

"Yup," said Jacob. "She knows like nothing about sex. She'll be lucky if she doesn't get pregnant her first time."

"You can get pregnant from sex?" Sue asked. Alice stared at her.

"Didn't your parents ever..."

"Charlie. And that bimbo," Jacob supplied. "Do you really think either of them would give her the talk? Or even be capable of giving the talk?"

"Right," said Alice. "Maybe that's why Edward went for her. He always did like the impressionable ones."

"Seriously," said the Voice. "Then you don't even need to drug them."

"Edward would never drug me!" Sue said. Alice and Jacob looked at her curiously.

"Yeah, not that you'd remember," said the Voice.

At that moment, Charlie burst through the door. "Why does this house smell like the sixties?" he shouted gruffly, storming into the living room.

"Alice is here!" Sue said happily.

"Well, that explains that," Charlie said, and then he walked over and grabbed Sue's arm. "Come on, we're going to the funeral for that minor character that was apparently my best friend."

"ALICE!" screamed Sue. "Come with me!" Sue proceeded to glomp Alice as best as she could with Charlie still holding her arm.

"'Kay," Alice said, as Charlie dragged them both away.

Jacob sat there quietly for a while, finishing his tea. Then he went upstairs and stole some of Sue's underwear. Just as he was preparing to leave, the phone rang, and he absently picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Dr. Carlisle," said a voice. "May I please speak to Alice?"

"She's at the funeral," Jacob said.

"Oh, I see," said the voice. And then the line went dead.

Jacob shrugged, hung up the phone, and then walked out of the house, twirling a red thong in his hand.

* * *

**MEANWHILE, AT THE TIMBER MUSEUM/FUNERAL HOME**

"And we all cared very deeply for Minor Character Guy, and he will be sorely missed..."

Sue was barely keeping herself from nodding off. The service was perhaps the most boring thing she had endured, and was only made bearable by the comments of the Voice. Beside her, Alice was focusing on her joint. That is, until she sat up suddenly and screamed, "SON OF A *****."

Everyone turned shocked expressions on them. Alice ignored them, reaching down to grab Sue's arm and pull her out of the building.

"What is it?" Sue asked frantically as they stumbled along.

Alice glanced back with wide eyes and said words that made Sue's heart stop. "Edward's ****ing everything up."

* * *

**I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE THESE THINGS IF I'M NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO TELL YOU WHERE THEY ARE**

Easy does it... just wait... let him come to you... there!

The figure, clad in a suit of green armor, squeezed the trigger and the man lined in his scopes fell down silently. The sniper began cheering... until he was hit from behind, and he too fell to the floor.

His killer, a midget also in green armor, stood waiting by the body until the sniper appeared at the respawn point. Promptly, the sniper took off his helmet, to reveal the face of Edward Cullen.

"WTH Liaf, that was so uncool," said Edward.

"Yeah whatever Pretty-boy," said Liaf, removing his own helmet to better glare at Edward. "You were the one who sniped me!"

"Hmph," sniffed Edward. "How many team kills do you have now?"

Liaf consulted the stats in his helmet. "Five hundred and forty-one. You?"

"Five-hundred and forty-two!" Edward cheered.

Liaf shot him. He promptly reappeared.

"Liaf you little..." Edward brought his gun up, but Liaf waved his hands in front of him.

"Truce! We're even now," said Liaf.

"Fine," Edward said grudgingly. "We might want to figure out where we are now anyway."

"You're in Halo III. Now, are you idiots done killing each other?" Both Liaf and Edward looked to see they were being addressed by a little blue hologram of a woman.

"'Sup baby?" said Edward.

"Hey, would you happen to know of anything that would allow us to travel to another dimension?" Liaf asked.

"Um, no, but you might want to get into that Warthog and get the **** out of here," she said.

"Oh, why?" asked Edward.

"Because this place-Halo-is about to start ripping itself apart."

"Oh," said Liaf. An ominous creaking sounded in the background. Liaf and Edward looked at each other and then sprinted towards the vehicle the woman had called a Warthog.

There were two of them, so Liaf and Edward went each went to one. Liaf began examining the controls. However, when he looked up, he found Edward sitting at the gun mounted on top of his warthog, spinning around and firing blindly.

"Pretty-boy, would you just get in the **** driver's seat already?" Liaf asked with a sigh.

"No!" said Edward. "This is way more fun."

"Fine," said Liaf. "I'm getting outta here. You can stay here and die." He started his Warthog and began driving off.

"Stick-in-the-mud," Edward pouted, until he was struck with evil brilliance. He swung his gun around, and began firing at Liaf.

Despite the veritable rain of bullets, Liaf did not stop driving. When he was nearly out of sight, Edward sighed. "I guess I should follow him."

He climbed of the gun and dropped to the ground. He began to walk around the driver's seat, but looked up at a steadily increasing roar. He looked up to see Liaf's Warthog had turned around and was now headed straight for him. Edward attempted to dive out of the way, but it was too late. Liaf promptly squished him.

Edward respawned in a few seconds, and immediately began screaming obscenities. Liaf smiled.

"So that's how it is?" Edward muttered, climbing into the unoccupied Warthog. "Fine then, take this!"

He floored it, but instead of crushing Liaf, he somehow managed to end up parked on the hood of Liaf's warthog.

"Smooth," said Liaf.

Edward gave him the finger.

Liaf hit his own accelerator, and surprisingly managed to move forward, carrying Edward along with him.

"Umm, yeah, you guys are hilarious and all, but you're totally going to die now," said the woman.

"Oh?" asked Edward. "Why?"

"Remember when I said this place was going to tear itself to pieces?"

"Yeah?" said Liaf.

Halo proceeded to tear itself to pieces, catching Edward and Liaf in the resulting conflagration.

* * *

_So I was like "****, I miscounted, and now I need another dimension for them to go to!" And my brother was like, "Halo!" So I said, "Let's go play Halo!" and then the above happened. _


	21. Blatant Disregard

_This week was weird. This chapter is also weird.

* * *

_

"Alice," Sue groaned.

"Look, it was an honest mistake, alright," said Alice, as the two were thoroughlysearched by airport security. "I forgot that bringing plastic baggies full of mysterious white powder on planes is a bad idea."

"Why did you have that anyway?" Sue winced at the search.

"I told you I smoked all my weed already, didn't I?"

"I wasn't referring to the type of drug," Sue said with a roll of her eyes. "I meant, 'could you not go without drugs for a day, you good for nothing stoner?'"

"Well, well, aren't _we _snarky," sneered Alice as the search concluded and they were lead down an empty, windowless hallway. "I seem to recall just last chapter you were faking innocent."

"What do you mean, faking?" Sue asked. They were placed in an empty interrogation room. The walls were white and bare, and it too was windowless. The only furniture was a lone table and scattered wooden chairs. The unsmiling security guards left, closing the door behind them.

"I mean," said Alice, flopping down in a chair, "that Edward tells me you're about as easy as stealing a car is in this book. Come on, there's only so many explanations for why this ancient, rich, perfect guy would go for someone as annoying as you."

"Shhh!" said Sue. "Don't tell the readers that!"

"Why?" asked Alice. "Come on, who actually believes abstinence anymore? People who can't get laid, that's who! I'll tell you what abstinence gets you: a baby!"

Sue stared at her. "You're kinda worked up about this, aren't you?"

Alice shrugged. "Like I really know what I'm saying right now, talking pink unicorn."

"How did you manage to get high?" Sue asked in amazement. "I don't think you could have hidden anything during that search..."

"Oh, I didn't hide anything," said Alice. "I just smoked everything I could before they searched me."

"That explains so much," Sue said. "But yeah, anyways, since we're written by a Mormon mother who never read a vampire book before she went and screwed the whole genre over for generations to come, we have to follow a strict 'moral code.' And that means no hawt sex until after we are properly married. At, least, that's what the readers have to think."

"So, wait, wait, you've been telling people you're a virgin?" Alice asked. Sue nodded. "What about that manwhore Edward?"

"He's been telling people he's a hundred year old virgin," Sue said. Alice burst out laughing.

* * *

**BOLD LOCATION HEADING**

Edward sneezed and sat bolt upright. "There are womenz talking about me," he said.

Liaf sat up slower, groaning and rubbing his head, "Or men, Pretty-boy. I seem to recall there having been a few of those in your life time."

"That was one time!" protested Edward. "And Carlisle and I were both really drunk!"

"Yeah sure," Liaf looked around. they seemed to be in some type of strange rainforest. The trees here were huge, particularly to Liaf. "So did we get caught in _another _explosion?"

"Yup. We should probably stop doing that," Edward stood up.

Liaf looked over to him, a most likely sarcastic reply on his lips, but it fizzled out as he stared at Edward, his eyes widening. "Pretty-boy, you're tall."

"No, Liaf, I just look tall because you're a midget-"

"And blue."

"Oh," said Edward. "WHAT?"

Edward quickly pulled a mirror out of his back pocket. Upon examination, he found that he was, in fact, blue. And tall. And had some freaky braid-type thing that looked really weird with his Rob Patterson-esque hair.

"Holy crap dude," said Edward. "We got blasted into James Cameron's _Avatar! _ And I'm a freaking Na'vi! Shweet."

"Yeah whatever," said Liaf. "That movie was totally a rip off of _Pocahontas_."

"But there is one crucial difference between _Pocahontas_ and _Avatar_," said Edward.

"Special effects?" said Liaf.

"Pocahontas wasn't _blue_," said Edward, as if it was obvious.

"So?" asked Liaf, staring up at his now giant friend.

"Banging a blue chick will always be infinitely superior to banging a normal chick!" said Edward.

Liaf rolled his eyes. "I don't know. Native Americans have their appeal. Just look at the wolf-boy and your girlfriend."

Edward stopped playing with his braid-thing and looked at Liaf with apprehension. "What do you mean?"

"Come on, don't tell me you didn't notice. I'm pretty sure he came up to you at prom and told you he was going to steal your girlfriend. Or **** your daughter. One of the two. But anyways, you went and left the girlie with him, so I bet he took the chance to pull his moves on her. And let's face it, he has plenty of assets that you don't. Who knows what he could have been doing with her while we're going on this little transdimensional vacation."

"No," said Edward, horror-struck. "She wouldn't do anything. She told me she believed in abstinence!"

"Yeah, well, we'll see if there are any puppies running around Sporks when we get back. If we get back," Liaf said, looking around at the glowy foliage surrounding them. He tried to remember if _Avatar _had any dimension travelling technology while Edward quietly mumbled "no," over and over.

"Hey Liaf," asked Edward tentatively. Liaf looked back at him. "Do you think that maybe... the plot could be moving on without us?"

Liaf shook his head. "There's no way. There can't be a plot without us. Of course, not that there ever really was much plot in the first place."

"Yeah..." said Edward. "I don't know, I just get the feeling that something important's happening, and we should be there."

"I'm sure it's nothing." said Liaf.

* * *

**ON A PLANE**

"So, can you see what Edward's planning?" Sue asked Alice. Thankfully, airport security let them go once they realized Alice's baggie only contained cocaine, not explosives. They had even managed to make their flight in time.

Alice had promptly done a few lines with the contents of her baggie off the tray table, and then had begun trying to see into the future.

Alice cracked a red eye open to peer at Sue. "It looks like those creepy old Volturi guys want him to be part of their... _collection_... so they're not going to kill him right away. He'll pull some super dramatic stunt to make them kill him, so we'll have time before he's ready.

"Alright." Sue nodded.

"Now, what do you know about the Volturi?" Alice asked.

"Um, they're Carilise's old buddies?"

Alice nodded. "Yes. Which explains somethings. What else?"

"They're totally not similar in any way to the Vatican?" Sue said.

"Also true. Anything else?" Alice said, glaring at the kid in the row behind them that was kicking her seat.

"They're a great way of manufacturing conflict?"

"Yes, that about covers it." Alice seemed satisfied. "Alright, so anyways, we should be landing soon. Once we do, I'm going to go steal a car—and yes, I totally can do that, your pathetic human laws don't apply to me—and then we'll drive to the city. They're in the middle of celebrating some weird vampire holiday, so there'll be a lot of freaks around. We'll blend right in. Then, you're going to run through a fountain. It'll be really dramatic. And then, once you find Edward, please, for the love of god, slap him."

"Okay," said Sue, absently.

"Got all that?" Alice asked.

"Yes," said Sue, still distantly.

Alice frowned. "Are you being stupid?"

"Huh?" Sue asked.

` "You totally are," Alice said, her eyes narrowing. "*****, please. The readers know perfectly well that Edward is a crappy liar and he loved you this whole time. He's just a big idiot who has slight overreaction issues. Like someone I know. I suppose you two do deserve each other. But anyways, would you stop thinking depressing thoughts? You're ticking the readers off."

"But-" Sue said.

"Stop thinking depressing thoughts or I'll vamp you," said Alice.

Sue immediately began thinking as many depressing thought as she could. Dead puppies... dead puppies...

Alice face-palmed. "You know, vamping really isn't a fun process for the vampee."

Dead puppies... dead puppies...

"I guess you'll find that out for yourself," said Alice, as their plane touched down. "Are you ready?" Alice asked Sue.

Sue immediately stopped thinking about the corpses of small fuzzy animals and nodded. It was time to reunite with Edward.

* * *

**PANDORA (HEY LOOK AN ACTUAL LOCATION)**

** "**So anyways," said Liaf, "we should probably try to find a way back to our dimension."

"No way!" Edward said. Liaf raised an eyebrow at him. "We can't leave without having a little fun first," Edward explained.

"We're not going to go find some blue chicks if that's what you're implying," said Liaf. Edward pouted.

"Come on dude," said Edward. "I'm the Na'vi here. That means I'm the hero. Which means I get to say what we do."

"Yeah whatever," said Liaf. "Come on, if all the human wanted was the 'unobtainium' or whatever from the Na'vi's world, and were willing to condone genocide to get it, then shouldn't they have just nuked the place?"

Liaf and Edward looked at each other, and then looked up at the sky. Their eyes fixed an a steadily growing speck.

"Did you really have to say that, man?" Edward asked.

"We're going to get exploded again, aren't we?" Liaf asked in despair.

"Yup," said Edward, as the missile reached the planet.


	22. A Touching Reunion

_This chapter is fun. It contains italics abuse. But that's better than Capslock abuse. It also contains a distinct lack of love.

* * *

_

Alice was singing along with the radio of their stolen car. Sue was not amused.

"Alice," she said, "Can't we go _faster_?"

"Does it look like we can?" Alice said, slightly irritated. She gestured at the line of cars stretching before them that lead all the way to the walled city of Volterra. "Besides, it's not like we're in a hurry, are we?"

"Um, we kind of are," said Sue.

"Oh," said Alice. "Why again?"

"Because..." began Sue slowly.

"Because why?" Alice asked with a perky tilt of her head.

"Because Edward is going to _kill himself_," hissed Sue.

"Oh, riiiight," said Alice, her face lighting up. "Sorry. Driving a fancy stolen car while stoned has a way of making you forget things." Alice paused for a moment. "And you're still sure you really want to save him?"

"_Alice!" _cried Sue.

"Fine, fine," said Alice, rolling her eyes. Then she promptly zipped out of the line of cars, driving on the curb (I don't care if there's not a curb there. Alice is driving on it _anyways_).

They speed right up to the front gate, and then Alice pulled an epic fishtail maneuver and shoved Sue out into the street.

"Wait!" shouted Sue as Alice pulled the passenger door closed. "What do I do?"

"Try not to die!" Alice yelled back, and then she drove off.

Sue glared after her, and then turned back to the city.

Somewhere within, Edward waited.

Sue began to run.

* * *

**MEANWHILE, EDWARD AND LIAF...**

Edward blearily blink his eyes open, only to find himself and Liaf on the floor of a darkened room. The only illumination came from a computer screen. A girl with red hair sat in front of it, her back to Edward. Edward quietly climbed to his feet, trying to decide how best to handle the situation.

"Ugh," said Liaf suddenly, sitting up. "I hate my life." Edward's head whipped down to look the little coachman, and then raised to allow him to regard the girl with wide eyes.

She had spun around on her spinny chair, her face shocked as she looked at the two intruders.

"What the-" she started. Edward decided to defuse the situation before it got out of hand.

"Hey, baby, you're like my heroin," he said, winking at her. He was surprised to find that, instead of slapping him, the girl actually seemed to calm down. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at Edward and Liaf (who was facepalming) appraisingly.

"Please tell me you're Rob Pattinson pulling some kinda publicity stunt," said the girl finally.

"Who's Rob Pattinson?" Edward asked.

The girl reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Okay. Please tell me you aren't Edward Cullen."

"It seems we've met before, hunny," said Edward, giving her a suave smile. "Would you care to remind me of your name?"

She did not seem impressed by Edward. In fact, she looked positively disgusted. "I'm RisingTwilight, and I'm wondering why the **** you aren't in my story right now."

Liaf let out a low whistle, "Oh smooth, Pretty-boy. Hitting on the writer. That'll end well."

"Hey," protested Edward, "Edward Cullen can appreciate all women, regardless of their occupation."

A strip of duct tape magically appeared and fixed itself over Edward's mouth.

"Ha," said RisingTwilight, lifting her hands from her keyboard. "How's that for the power of words?"

"Dude, who called it?" said Liaf.

Edward ripped the duct tape from his mouth with a wince. The sticky side was covered in glitter. "So uncool!" he said.

"Yeah whatever," said RisingTwilight. "Hey, why aren't you wearing a shirt? Who do you think you are, Taylor Lautner?"

"Hmm?" Edward glanced down, to see he was, indeed, shirtless. "Oh, weird, must have lost it in one of the explosions."

"Explosions? No, never mind," RisingTwilight shook her head, and then looked up at Edward with a glare. "Now, just what do you think you're doing?" she jabbed her finger at Edward. "You realize Sue is supposed to be having her big romantic angsty reunion with you right about now? Do you have any idea what she'll do if she can't find you?"

"Probably kill herself," said Edward.

"Yes." RisingTwilight pinched the bridge of her nose once more. "And that would be bad."

"Really?" asked Liaf.

"_Yes," _said RisingTwilight.

"Wait," interrupted Edward. "Why is she trying to find me? How does she even know where to find me? Or, well, I guess, think she knows where to find me. Since I'm not actually there and all."

"This is some confusing ****," said Liaf.

RisingTwilight ignored him. "You're in Italy. Trying to kill yourself."

"Oh," said Edward. "_What?"_

"Except he's not," said Liaf.

"Yeah, I know," said RisingTwilight turning angry eyes on him. "And I'm waiting for you to tell me why you're not."

"Hey, it's not _my _fault!" protested Liaf. "Pretty-boy here is the one who first blasted out of our dimension! Then we were in this weird place with all these British people. Who were also wizards. And then we stared a riot. And then... yeah, things kinda got carried away, and we've been dimension hopping since... hey, wait a minute. Didn't you write all that? Shouldn't you know all this already?"

"Um, well..." RisingTwilight said nervously.

"Isn't it your fault that we're not where we're supposed to be right now? For that matter, aren't _you _writing this right now?"

"HEY!" said RisingTwilight with a high-pitched giggle. "You guys need to get back to your dimension, right?"

"But-" said Liaf.

"Well, I might be able to help!" continued RisingTwilight.

"I-" said Liaf.

"You see that big bold location header?" RisingTwilight said, pointing up.

"Oh, that useless thing?" asked Edward. Liaf glared at him.

"Yup!" said RisingTwilight. "Watch this!"

Liaf tried one final time to say something. "Hey—"

**VOLTERRA**

"—you never explained anything," Liaf finished.

And then Sue slammed into Edward.

"EDWAAAAAAAAAAAARD!" she bawled, nuzzling her face into his bare chest and clutching at him desperately.

"What. The. ****," said Edward.

"You, know, that's kinda what I was thinking," Sue said, stepping back, a little frown forming on her face. "When I imagined this moment, I always thought that you would be dressed a little nicer. Or at least, you know, that you would be wearing men's clothing. That family over there is staring at you." And indeed they were staring—mostly because the strange pair had just appeared out of thin air. "I'm now vaguely curious about what you've been doing for this indeterminate amount of time."

"What was that about my clothes?" said Edward, looking down before covering his face in shame. Not only was he still shirtless, but he was also still wearing the skort. Completing the outfit were the ruby slippers he had stolen from Dorothy. "I hate my life," he groaned.

"But _everything _will be _okay _now that we're _together _again," said Sue with an empty smile. Edward began to slam his head into the alley wall.

"Um, is this a bad time?" asked one of the two Volturi guys who just showed up. They were wearing black capes. The family who had earlier been staring at them muttered something about freaks and began to edge away, the mother shooting dirty looks at Edward.

"No, not at all!" said Edward, grateful for the distraction. "Please tell me you've come to kill me."

"Nope," the Volturi guy said, shaking his head. "Our master just wants to see you. And add you to his collection. And... uh, yeah."

"He's totally not going to do bad things to you," added the other guy. "He just wants you. Badly."

"You know, I take back what I said. This is an absolutely terrible time," said Edward.

"He'll also probably kill your girlfriend," said Volturi Guy A.

"Oh, that doesn't sound so bad," said Edward. "Wait, do I get to sleep with her first?"

"No," said Volturi Guy A.

"But Aro will probably take care of you," said Volturi Guy B. A glared at him.

"Uh, hehe, well, gentlemen, I'm afraid then that I'm going to have to decline—" said Edward.

"Hey guys what's going on here?" said Alice happily as she sprinted through broad daylgiht towards them. Edward smacked himself on the face.

"I'm guessing Alice was responsible for all of this?" Edward asked, "I can't think of anyone else who could possible cause this much chaos. Besides myself, of course."

"She's the one who told me you were going to kill yourself, if that's what you mean," Sue said.

"And you trusted _Alice_?" Edward said, dismayed. "The girl who always gets high and then thinks she can see the future? Did you have any other proof, at all, besides her words, before you went running off to Italy?"

"Um..." said Sue. "Well, you're here now, aren't you?"

"That's because—" Edward went to say, but stopped. "You know what, screw it. I'm jumping in a fire."

"And just what is going on here?" asked a young, emotionless looked curiously down at the young girl in a grey cloak that had just arrived. Edward groaned.

"And now the sadist is here. My life is complete."

"My name," said the girl, "is Jane."

"That's what I said. Sadist." Jane looked at him, and Edward fell to the ground, writing in pain. Sue watched curiously.

"One of these days, that boy will learn to keep his mouth shut," said Liaf, with a shake of his head.

"Is she part of that Aro guy's collection too?" Sue asked Alice and Liaf over Edward's screams.

"Yup," said Liaf.

"Oh," said Sue. "That's creepy."

"I thought you liked pedophiles?" Alice asked Sue. Sue glared at her, as Edward's cries died off and he unsteadily climbed back to his feet.

"You've proved your point, sad—Jane," said Edward. "Let's just get this over with. I'll follow you."

She smiled, and they began down the alley. Sue began chatting with Alice happily. Liaf walked up beside Edward.

"Hey, Pretty-boy," he said. Edward scowled down at him. "Welcome home."


	23. Volturi Guys

_So school's back in session, and I already have a cold. Fun times ahead._

_Edit: The references to the pope are not meant to be offensive to Catholics. My only intention was to satirize the similarities of the Volturi to the Vatican, particularly in the context of the surprising amount of Mormon ideals found in _twilight.

_

* * *

_

Volturi guy B was whistling. Edward glared at him.

"For the love of god," said Edward, "It's bad enough that we have to listen to this crap. You don't have to add your rendition to it."

Volturi guy B returned the glare. "Hey, I'll have you know, this elevator music is _catchy_."

"Why is this elevator ride so long anyways?" Sue interrupted the brewing brawl to ask.

"Don't think about it too much," advised Volturi guy A.

"It's totally not so our master can use the elevator for _bad things,_" said Volturi guy B. Volturi guy A hit him.

"Ow!" said Volturi guy B.

"Do you always have to say stupid crap like that, man?" said Volturi guy A.

"The Volturi are a model of competence!" Alice whispered to Sue.

The elevator made a slight ping noise as the reached the top. "Finally!" said Edward, stumbling out of it. And then he said, "Hot receptionist!"

Liaf hit him. "We have more important things to focus on right now, Pretty-boy."

"But…" Edward whimpered.

"Besides," continued Liaf, "Your girlfriend looks like she's about to kill something."

"Huh?" Edward looked over at Sue, who was, indeed, glaring daggers at the dark skinned woman behind the counter. For her part, the woman was alternating between trying to smile and being really creeped out by their little group. "Um, that reminds me… hey, Heroin, we're cool about the whole me abandoning you and sending you into a spiraling depression for no good reason thing, right?"

Sue turned her glare on Edward. For about half a second. Then she threw her arms around him, and began sobbing. "Oh Edward I'm so sorry I know you don't love me and you're going to leave me again because I'm not good enough and I love you so much and I'd do anything for you so don't ever leave me again I don't think I can take it I'm sorry!"

Edward not-so-discreetly shot Liaf a thumbs up.

"It's so good to see everyone getting along!" said Alice, clapping her hands.

"Umm… yeah…" said Volturi guy A. "Perhaps we should, like, go see our master now?"

"Do I have to?" whined Edward.

"Yup!" said Alice cheerfully, linking her arm with the one of Edward's that was not currently being monopolized by Sue. She led them after the Volturi guy.

They walked down a long hallway to the thick oak doors at the very end. Then the two Volturi guys dramatically pushed them open, and their party stepped into a conference room.

All the chairs around the massive table were empty, save for the one at the very end. Someone was sitting in it, but Sue could not get a good look at just who it was, as the back of the chair was facing them. Jane took a few more steps and cleared her throat. The person in the chair spun around (also dramatically) and—

"Oh my god it's the pope," Sue said.

"No," said the vampire in the chair, "I am not the pope. I'm Aro. I'm one of the leaders of the Vatic—er, Volturi."

"Dude, you're totally the pope," said Edward, "You're even wearing the little hat."

"No, I'm not," said Aro, taking off his hat and hiding it behind his back. Everyone gave him incredulous looks. "Oh, whatever, just get over here and let me touch you."

"**** no!" said Edward.

"So I can read your mind," added Aro.

"Oh," said Edward. "False alarm."

"Really," said Liaf, "Meyer makes this too easy sometimes."

"So, yeah, we don't you all take a seat," said Aro, gesturing at the empty chairs around the table. "You, Volturi guys. Go fetch us some coffee."

"On it," said Volturi guy B. They left the room.

Sue, Alice, Edward, and Liaf all took a seat. Jane came to stand behind Aro, who smiled at the Cullen party.

"Well, well, my friends!" he said. "Such a pleasure to have you as my guests. But, before we get down to business, I must ask: why did you come here in the first place?"

"What do you mean?" asked Sue.

"Well, I am correct in assuming you didn't come here just to offer to join us, correct?" asked Aro. Everyone nodded. "Then what does bring you here to our fair city?"

"Well, I was coming to save Edward," Sue said.

"Save Edward?" Asked Aro, furrowing his brow. "From what?"

"You, I guess," said Sue. "He was trying to bring about his own death."

"He was going to kill himself!" Alice chimed in.

"Was he now?"asked Aro, raising a brow at Edward, who laughed nervously.

"Yup," stuttered Edward, "Good thing she saved me! Hehehe..."

"Really," said Aro, "Because my guards swear they you saw appear out of nowhere."

"What!" said Edward. "When did anyone tell you that?"

Aro raised his hand and Jane gave him a high-five. "Just now," he said.

"But-!" Edward protested.

"Also, you never came and asked us to kill you, so I kinda assumed you were lying."

"Oh, right," said Edward.

"So, you wanna tell me what really happened?" asked Aro.

"Well, to make a long story short," said Edward, "we were trapped in another dimension, and Alice is as crazy as the fact that this book is a best seller."

"Wait! Wait! I'm getting something!" said Alice. She glared at Edward. "I foresee great suffering in your future."

"Interesting," said Aro. "Do you have any proof that you were in another dimension?"

"You mean other than the fact that Pretty-Boy is even more pretty than normal?" said Liaf, gesturing at Edward's skort and ruby slippers. "Well, I do have this wand I stole from Harry Potter." He pulled it out of his pocket.

"Does that actually work?" Aro asked.

"Avada Kedavra!" said Liaf, pointing the wand out the open door of the conference room.

There was a loud bang and then they heard Volturi guy B shout, "Hey, who killed the hot receptionist?"

"Fascinating," said Aro. Volturi guy A returned with their coffee. "You are quite the bunch of special little misfits, aren't you?"

"Pretty much," said Liaf, taking a sip of his coffee. "Can we leave now?"

"So soon?" asked Aro, "Are you sure you can't stay? Join the guard?"

"Join his collection?" sniggered Volturi guy B.

Aro shot him a frigid look. "Dismissed," he said. The Volturi guys scurried out of the room. He turned back to the Cullen party, "Now, are you sure you can't stay?" he asked.

"Yeah, quite," said Edward.

Aro sighed. "Alright then. Well, let's just eat the human girl to celebrate, and then you can get out of here."

"What!" said Edward. "You can't eat Heroin!

"Oh?" asked Aro, "and why not?"

"Because we're going to vamp her," chirped Alice.

"Yeah!" said Edward. "Wait what?"

"Then it's settled!" said Aro delightedly. "I let you leave now, and then you come back here once the girl's been vamp'd."

"But—!" said Edward.

"Sure, why not," said Liaf.

"Lovely," said Aro. "Would you care to going me for lunch before you go?"

"Lunch?" asked Sue.

"Yes," said Aro. "I have a private 'church service,' to give." He put his hat back on.

"Um, yeah, think we're going to pass," said Edward. "But catch you later."

"If that's how it must be," said Aro with a sigh. "You're free to leave. If you need transportation, you can borrow the pope-mobile."

"Shweet!" said Alice. "I'm driving!"

"No ****ing way," said the other three members of their group. Alice pouted. They left the conference room and headed for the elevator, stepping over the body of the receptionist as they headed towards the sunny day outside.


	24. Full Circle

_ Have you guys heard of the movie _Vampires Suck? _I'm going to see it tomorrow! Yay!

* * *

_

"Have you ever heard the expression, 'there's a time and place for everything?'" asked Liaf.

` "Whatever dude, I'm hungry," said Edward, inspecting the vending machine. "I haven't had anything to eat since Dorothy."

"Beg your pardon?" asked Alice.

"Don't ask," advised Liaf.

"Alright! I think I'll go for some AB positive!" said Edward. "Now where did I put my wallet..." His hand reached towards his pants pocket. It was around that moment that he realized he was not, in fact, wearing pants, but a skort. His hand came up to smack his face instead. "Why does life hate me?" he said.

"I can think of a few reasons," said Liaf. "Now come on, let's get out of this freak-show. We have our own to go back to."

"B-but," Edward whimpered. "I'm huuuungry."

"Why don't you just nom Sue?" suggested Alice. "That's pretty much the only thing she's good for."

"Great idea!" said Edward, snapping his fingers. "Hey Heroin—" he stopped, seeing Sue staring horror-struck at the vending machine filled with brightly colored packets of blood. "Um, Heroin?" he asked tentatively.

"Don't worry about her," said Alice. "I'm sure its just the psychological damage catching up to her. You did a quite thorough job of messing her up, ya know? Though I think she herself helped with that a lot."

"Oh," said Edward. "Oops. Umm..." He glanced around furtively, and then raised Sue's arm to his mouth and chomped down.

"Dude," said Liaf.

"Silence means yes!" said Edward, and then returned to his snack.

"Hey, you guys are still here?" asked Volturi Guy B as he rounded the corner to see their little party standing in front of the vending machine. "Does that mean you and Aro-"

"Yeah we're leaving now bye," said Edward, grabbing Sue's arm in one hand and Alice's in the other, pulling them towards the glass doors leading out of the building. Liaf followed behind.

As they stepped out into the cheery Italian day, Sue unfroze, and glanced back at the building they had just left, expecting to see something ominous looking. Instead..."They disguised the building as a _Starbucks_?"

Edward shrugged. "Whatever works."

"Right," Sue said as they continued walking. "Um, not to sound stupid or anything, but shouldn't you guys be wearing like cloaks or something?" She looked at her glittering companions.

"Nope!" said Alice cheerfully.

"The Volturi, as you may have noticed," explained Liaf, "are a bunch of idiots. So, at this point, the people of this city are used to seeing vampires. They just assume we're part of some weird, Hot Topic-esque, cult."

"Oh, I see," said Sue. "That explains all the dirty looks we're getting."

"Yup!" said Alice.

They reached the gates, and began examining the cars parked outside the city, discussing the various merits of each and debating which one to steal. Of course, they walked past a police car as they did so.

"Hey!" called the officer. Who spoke English. For some reason. "What do you kids thinking you're doing?"

"I'll have you know I'm older then your grandfather," sniffed Edward.

"I see," said the cop. "Then I'm arresting you for pedophilia."

"Smooth," said Liaf. Edward glared at him.

"Resisting arrest!" sang Alice as she leapt forward.

A few minutes later, they were speeding toward the airport, the upholstery in the cop car only slightly stained with red. Sue was recovering from the last batch of psychological trauma. Edward, in the passenger seat, was messing with the controls.

"Would you quit playing with the siren, Pretty-boy?" snapped Liaf.

"But it's so fuuuun!" said Edward.

"Weren't we supposed to take the pope-mobile?" Sue asked, keeping a death-grip on her seatbelt.

"Yeah, but stealing a cop car is way more fun!" said Alice, at the wheel.

"And it gets people out of our way!" said Edward, turning on the siren again as they shot down the road, exceeding the speed limit by a very unsafe amount. Sue tried to take some comfort in the fact that most other motorists were indeed getting out of their way, but seriously, Alice in a stolen police car was just an catastrophe waiting to happen. And Sue had a strong suspicion that Alice had found somewhere to replenish her supply of drugs in Volterra, on top of everything.

Later, after climbing out of the fiery wreckage of the cop car, they arrived at the airport. Of course, they were stopped in customs again, mostly because Sue was right about Alice's drugs, but also because they were pretty much as suspicious of a group as it was possible to be. Sue was just glad she got to hear Edward trying to explain why he was wearing a skort and also that his shirt was in another dimension.

Finally, they were climbing on board the plane headed back to Sporks. "So, you going to sleep?" Edward asked, a reasonable question, considering that was what most other humans on the plane were doing (Liaf had even managed to get Alice to play the "sleeping game." He was looking rather pleased with himself.) However, this was Sue, and therefore, she defies logic and normality.

"Nope," she said, "I'm just going to stare at you. For like elven hours."

"B-but," said Edward. And then, quieter, "...that's what I was going to do..."

So yeah, as I'm sure you can imagine, it was a thrilling plane ride. But the fun of the day was not over yet, because waiting for them in the airport was the entire Cullen family. Esme ran over to them acting all motherly, in one of like the two scenes she has in the entire series.

"Edward," greeted Rosalie. "Looks like you didn't manage to die. Sue," she said, nodding her direction. "You look like hell."

"A pleasure, as always, dear sister," said Edward, before turning back to the rest of his family. "Well, it seems that we've achieved our happy, ending, huh?"

"Not quite," said Liaf. "You're forgetting two things."

"Oh?" asked Edward. "What?"

"Well, first," said Alice, "The vast amount of problems Sue has." She gestured towards Sue, who was, by this point, swaying on her feet from exhaustion, and wearing an expression that was oddly reminiscent of Jasper. "And that's saying nothing of the psychological damage you've caused since you meet her."

"Oh, right," said Edward. "What's the second problem?"

"Him," said Rosalie, jerking her thumb over her shoulder, to where Jacob stood, shirtless and fuming.

"****," said Edward.

Jacob stalked forward until he was face to face with Edward.

"What's your problem?" asked Edward.

"What is this crap?" Jacob demanded. "You're back? You're alive?"

"I know, man," muttered Rosalie. "Sometimes there is just no justice in this world."

"This was supposed to be _my _show," continued Jacob, fire flaring in his eyes. "I mean, I had that whole dramatic speech at the end of the last fic. And this fic is _named _after me. But what is this nonsense? I mean, you weren't even supposed to be in this fic. But not only did you steal like half of every chapter, but even in my section Sue was hallucinating about you. And I don't even get the girl? You're back like nothing ever happened, and not only did she forgive you for being an absolute idiot, but she's positively fawning over you? No. Absolutely not. I will not stand for this. Woman," he said, turning to Sue. "Chose me. Pick sexy wolf-boy over angsty corpse."

Sue passed out on the ground.

"It seems she's reached her limit," said Edward, walking over and picking Sue up. He walked past Jacob, and began heading for the exit of the airport. "Sorry, mutt, but this has always been a one man show. Congratulations, though, on making it this far, considering who your opponent was." And then he was gone, leaving Jacob standing there in the airport, alone.

Almost alone.

"Wolf," said Rosalie. "I think we have some common ground."

* * *

There was only one more thing to be dealt with. Perhaps the greatest obstacle of all.

Charlie, police chief of Sporks.

Luckily, Edward, being an excellent problem solver, had come up with a solution. He put Sue on the front porch, rang the door bell, and jumped into the bushes.

"Let it never be said that you are a coward," said Liaf, who was also crouching in the foliage.

"Shut it, Heroin's dad is psycho," said Edward. the door opened a crack, just enough to allow the barrel of a shotgun out. "See? Heroin has to get her crazy from somewhere."

"Isn't her mom insane too, though?" asked Liaf.

"Yeah," said Edward. "in case you haven't noticed, Sue contains a lot of crazy."

"Right," said Liaf. "Well, you know you're going to have to face him sometime, right?"

"Unless I kill him first," said Edward.

"That seems a bit extreme."

"Meh," said Edward.


	25. Debriefing

_Oh my goodness guys! There's only two more chapters left in _new moon_, and then we're onto the murky realm of _eclipse. _Which will be some fun stuff, let me tell you. We're also coming up to the year anniversary of when I first started writing _Insert Fail Symbolism Here. _And if that isn't crazy stuff, then I don't know what is. So I'd like to thank everyone who's reading this, whether you're new or have been with me for that whole year. You all rock. And those of you who've favorited and alerted not only get thanks, but virtual cookies. The best kind of cookies there are. Mmm. Smell the pixels. And finally, those of you who've reviewed get thanks, cookies, and a dolphin. A virtual dolphin. Cause what tops a dolphin? But seriously, I love you all.

* * *

_

It was dark out when Sue awoke. She blearily made out the green numbers of her clock, shining through the dark. One o'clock in the morning.

And then she let out her breath all at once as the events of the last several days came rushing back to her. Or was it all just a dream? There was only one way to be certain.

Slowly, Sue swiveled her head towards her window. And then she froze. For standing there, silhouetted against the light of the moon, was Edward. Sue felt so happy she could have cried.

Except not really, because Sue is thick as lead. So, while she did burst into tears, they were not happy ones.

Which meant this was distinctly not the happy reunion Edward was expecting. He had been expecting something more all the lines of Sue crying "take me now, Edward!" Or at least, you know, smiling a little. Not crying. And now, like most males faced with a crying girl, he panicked. "Er, Heroin?" said he. "Is everything okay? Is it about the window" —which was broken—"'cause I can totally fix that…"

"OH, EDWARD!" cried Sue. "You're so perfect and I'm so not except I really am 'cause I'm a Mary Sue and you could never love me because you're perfect and I'm not good enough for you and you'll leave meeeeeeeee—"

Edward put a finger on Sue's lips, cutting off her rapidly escalating rant. While he may not know how to deal with tears, he did know how to deal with stupidly. He removed his finger.

"Now, heroin—" he began.

"EDWARD!" Sue wailed. Edward slapped her.

"Ow," said Sue, rubbing her cheek.

"Woman, please," said Edward, crossing his arms and glaring down at Sue, who was sitting up in her bed. "Would I really leave you again? Not a chance! Then we'd just have a repeat of this crappy book, and I don't think I could take it. And then that Jacob kid would start getting uppity again. And if there is one thing in this world I can't stand, it's uppityness. Besides, it turns out the world without you isn't that great. Although I did have a pretty hot make-out session with that extremely attractive Cedric Diggory fellow."

"WAT," said Sue.

"Um, hey!" said Edward, sitting on the side of Sue's bed. "So, when you tried to kill yourself—"

"Not a suicide," said Sue.

"Well, what was it then?" asked Edward.

"I just wanted to jump off a cliff," Sue said.

"Funny," said Edward. "That's what all our readers wanted you to do as well. But seriously, that's not a suicide _how?"_

` "I didn't mean to die," said Sue. "I was just trying to hear your voice."

"You could have just called," said Edward, exasperated.

"I did," Sue answered. "You were in another dimension."

"Oh," said Edward. "Right. Wait, you jumped off a cliff to hear my voice?"

"Well, not exactly your voice," said Sue thoughtfully, tapping a finger on her chin. "_The _Voice."

"Please start making sense," said Edward.

"Well, see," explained Sue, "after you left, I started to hear your voice sometimes, except it wasn't really you. Unless you're more of a stalker than I thought." Sue paused to give Edward a shrewd look. He frantically shook his head. "Anyway, so I heard the Voice occasionally. Usually when I was doing something dangerous. Or something having to do with Jacob. Or like making a sammich or something. The Voice was kinda chatty."

"And you're kinda a freak," said Edward.

"I wonder what ever happened to that Voice," mused Sue, ignoring Edward.

"Umm, I'm kinda still here," said the Voice.

Sue screamed. Edward turned pale (oh wai—). In the next room, Charlie grunted and rolled over, fingering the gun beneath his pillow and muttering things about Edward in a vaguely threatening tone.

"Son of a sparkle," said Edward.

"Hello," said the Voice cheerfully.

"You can hear it?" Sue asked, dumbfounded.

"Edward has a secret fear of—" began the Voice.

"For the love of god, no!" said Edward frantically.

"He can hear me," said the Voice. "Probably because of his mind reading powers."

"Edward has mind reading powers?" asked Sue.

"Oh yeah," said the Voice. "Guess those really haven't been mentioned a lot in thsi parody. Well, sure, why not. Let's give mind reading powers to Edward. I don't this could cause any problems."

"Shweet," said Edward.

"Dude, that so doesn't count," said Sue. "You're him."

"So what?" asked the Voice. "It's internal monitoring. It works fine for the government, doesn't it?"

"Besides, isn't that _your _schizophrenia speaking?" Edward pointed out. "It's not really me."

"Is that all I am?" sobbed the Voice. "Just a mere figment of crazy's imagination?"

"You have a weird perception of me," said Edward to Sue. "But yeah, kinda," he addressed to the Voice. Somehow.

"Fine!" Said the Voice. "I'll go find some other head to live in!" And then it was gone.

"That was strange," said Sue.

"So are you, love," said Edward, pressing a kiss to Sue's forehead. And then he went for her neck.

"Um, so yeah, anyways, you remember that fight we had at the start of this novel that never got resolved?" Sue asked.

"No," said Edward. He then returned his attention to the red liquid flowing from Sue's throat.

"About how I was going to get old and wrinkly, and you weren't going to let me become a vampire because of all this random angsty crap about my soul?" Sue prompted.

"Heroin," said Edward, pausing in his work on her neck, "I probably just made that up to screw with you. I kinda like unnecessarily complicating things, in case you haven't noticed."

"Dude, you're such a jerk," said Sue. "No wonder everyone is Team Jacob."

"Everyone is team Jacob because they like abs, woman," said Edward. "At least I have some substance to me."

"Like what?" asked Sue.

"Like _I _don't hit on one-year-olds," said Edward.

"Just girls who could be your grand-daughters," said Sue. Edward glared at her.

"Would you shut up? I'm trying to reclaim my role as male lead," said Edward. "At least _Taylor Lautner Shirtless _is almost over. Then I'll be back on top, and wolfie'll be out. It'll be just like the first book. He totally won't stick around to create a terrible love triangle, right?" He gave Sue a threatening stare. She looked down at her quilt.

"So yeah, about the whole me getting old thing," Sue said.

"You mean that natural, unavoidable part of being human?" said Edward.

"Yeah," said Sue. "I'm not doing that."

"I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that," said Edward.'

"Too bad," said Sue. "I'm an exception."

"Good luck with that," said Edward. "I'll visit your grave."

"And you're going to be the one to change me," said Sue.

"You haven't been really paving attention to things, have you?" asked Edward. Sue ignored him.

"If you won't," said Sue, "I'll get Alice to do it."

Edward choked on the blood he was sucking out of Sue's neck. He thumped his chest several times, and then burst out laughing. "Alice? You'd trust Alice to vamp you?" He asked.

"Yes," said Sue, slightly affronted. "She's probably more competent than you,."

"Probably true," said Edward, tilting his head. "But that isn't really saying too much."

"Hmmm," said Sue. "Oh! I've got it!"

"Oh joy, what now?" asked Edward.

"We'll get your family to vote on the issue of me becoming a vampire!" Sue said.

"No," said Edward, "Just… no,"

"Too bad!" said Sue. We're doing it anyways."

"I hate my life," moaned Edward.

"Good for you," said Sue. "Now, do I have to jump out my window or will you carry me?"


	26. Catastrophe of the Cullen Kind

"What the fudge, Edward?" shriek Sue as they plowed into another tree.

"Hey, it's been a while since I've done this whole uber speed walking vampire thing," said Edward defensively, "I'm out of practice."

"Couldn't you have just had Liaf come pick us up in the carriage?" Sue complained, removing one hand from Edward's shoulders to rub at her forehead.

Edward shook his head and began running again. "Um, Liaf's out of practice in driving the carriage. I really think hitting trees is probably the better option."

"Oooh," said Sue.

After several more painful minutes, they burst into the clearing where the Cullen's house stood. Liaf and Carlisle were standing next o a large pile of what seemed to Sue to be splintered wood, arguing.

"Look, it was his fault," Liaf was saying. "Him and all these ****ing roundabouts that are all the rage these days. Nobody knows how to properly drive them."

"Well," said Carlisle, "that doesn't change the fact that horses are expensive, and we can't afford to keep buying them."

"You liar," said Liaf. "I know how much you make from having Alice steal cars."

"You little—" Carlisle caught sight of Sue and Edward and broke off in mid-hiss, turning to smile at the new arrivals. In a totally non-creepy way. "Well hello there!" said he.

"Erm... hi," said Sue. "I came here for a pointless vote that won't actually do anything."

"Why that sounds like a lovely waste of time!" said Carlisle, clapping his hands. "Come right in. I'll go get the family." Sue and Edward followed Carlisle past the pile of wood to the door of the Cullen manor. Sue thought one of the fragments of wood resembled the door of the Cullen's carriage, interestingly enough. Carlisle then lead them through the perfect white living room to the perfect white dining room, sitting Sue down at the head of the perfect white table (After writing that sentence, _twilight _now seems really racist to me). "If you're thirsty, there's blood in the fridge," continued Carlisle. And then he paused. "Wait, you don't drink blood, do you? There's, erm, _cranberry juice _in the fridge if you're thirsty."

Edward sulkily settled into a chair while Sue went and got herself some "juice." Then she too settled into her chair to wait for the arrival of the rest of the Cullens.

Esme was the first to arrive, in all his motherly glory. He took a seat at the table, smiling a bland affectionate smile. Liaf was next, giving Edward and Sue a disgruntled nod before taking a seat. Shortly after, Alice bounded into the room in the way that was so unique to her—the manner that said "the world is lovely now that I'm too stoned to see straight!" Rosalie followed after, in direct contrast to Alice. She was surrounded by a seething black aura, the look on her face suggesting that she wanted nothing more that to kill a baby right that instant. Which was probably true. Emmett trailed behind her. He looked at Sue and opened his mouth, probably to make a suggestive comment, but Rosalie silenced him with a glare. She swept over to the seats farthest from Sue and Edward and sat down.

Finally, Carlisle entered the room, and pulled the door shut behind him. He took a seat and then turned to Sue. "Well, Sue, why don't you tell us whatever random crap is on your mind today? We're just _dying _ to hear it."

Sue nodded and then looked into the eyes of everyone assembled around the table. Her future family. Dear, dear future family. Oh dear god, what had she gotten herself into?

Just as Sue was about to run for her life, she noticed something. Or rather, the lack of something. "Hey, um where's Jasper?" she asked.

"There," said Carlisle pointing over Sue's shoulder.

"What?" said Sue, half turning around. And then nearly falling out of her chair. Standing in the corner behind her way Jasper. "Son of a Sue! How long as he been there?"

"Since we got back here, like two days ago," said Rosalie in a bored voice. Sue turned back to see her inspecting her razor sharp nails. "Can we please move this along?"

"Erm, uh, yeah..." said Sue. For staring at Rosalie had reminded her that there was a light at the end of the tunnel of this whole business. Because if she became a vampire, then she would be beautiful! And perfect! And eternally young! Ah, vamping—it's better than botox!

"Alright," said Sue, straightening up in her chair to address the Cullens. "I've gathered you here today for a very important purpose—j"

"I vote no," Rosalie interrupted. "Why would I ever want to have you hanging around for all of eternity?"

"Hey, this is supposed to be—" Sue protested.

"I vote no as well," said Liaf. "Hopefully when you die, Pretty-boy'll be close behind."

"But I haven't even—" Sue said, trying frantically to retain control.

"I vote yes," said Esme placidly. "It would be so lovely to have you as a member of our family."

"Hey, guys—" Sue tried to say.

"I vote yes too!" said Alice. "Probably because I'm really high right now!"

"But—" Said Sue.

"I'm voting yes," said Emmett. "Could there be a more perfect opportunity to make awkward sex jokes?"

"I—" Sue said.

"I vote no," Edward said. "We've still got two more books to get through, and you all know what that means. Manufactured conflict. Toss the Volturi in there and we've got a plot! Oh, and maybe a baby for good measure."

Rosalie looked slightly hungry at the mention of babies. Sue eyed her nervously and then opened her mouth to speak, only managing a "—" she nearly fell out of her chair for the second time. A hand had landed on her shoulder, causing her to jump. Looked up, Sue found the hand belonged to Jasper, who looked solemnly down at her, before giving one slow nod.

"That means yes!" Alice stage-whispered to Sue, as Jasper returned to the corner. Sue rolled her eyes and then returned back to the farce of a meeting she had going.

She did not even get a chance to open her mouth before Carlisle spoke.

"Sure, why the hell not? It'll give Edward someone else to whine to," he said with a shrug. "Okay, so who wants to bite her?"

"Ooooo!" said Alice excitedly, waving her arm in the air. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Um," Sue said.

Edward abruptly stood up, slamming both his hands on the table. "Just where do you think you're going, young man?" Carlisle said sternly. "We're granting your girlfriend eternal damnation right now. It's kinda important."

"Okay, first off, I'm like a hundred," said Edward. "You shouldn't call me 'young man.' Second off, I'm going to go smash the TV. Because, you know, I can."

"No you can't, you little snot, we don't have the money!" shouted Carlise.

"Alice's stolen cars," came Edward's shout from the next room, followed shortly by an earsplitting crash.

Carlisle swore. "How does everyone know about that?"

"The garage full of stolen cars is a bit of a give away, dear," said Esme.

Carlisle glared at him, and then stood up and walked over to Sue. "Hey, Edward!" he called. "I'm biting your girlfriend!"

"This outta be good," Liaf muttered.

"What!" Edward shrieked, bursting into the dining room to find Carlise standing with his fangs poised over Sue's neck. Rosalie had stolen Sue's "cranberry juice" and was sipping it as she watched.

"Um," sad Sue.

"Dude!" whined Edward.

"Don't you Dude me, Edward Cullen. You broke my TV," said Carlisle with a shrug.

"But that's my girlfriend!" said Edward.

"And that was my TV," said Carlisle. Sue could feel his breath on her neck.

"That's so not the same thing!" Edward protested.

"Kinda is," said Carlisle. "Just different forms of entertainment."

"Um," said Sue again.

Alice was chanting, "bite her!"

And then Sue heard something she never imagined she would in Sporks.

Police sirens.

Sue slapped her hand to her face.

About five seconds later, the door to the dining room blew in, and there stood Charlie, gun drawn. He pointed it at various members of the Cullen family, shot Jasper a few times for good measure, and then ran over to Sue. He picked her up and flung her over his shoulder, bellowing to the Cullens as he charged out of the house, "You'll never take her alive!"

And then the sirens faded off into the distance.

"Well, that was odd," said Carlisle.

Jasper fell over.

* * *

"That was an overreaction," Sue said, pouting in the passenger seat of the cop car.

"Sweety, it's two in the morning, and you were at your boyfriend's house. And I don't like that Edward kid. I've keeping catching him shoplifting gum from the gas station. And there was the whole date rape incident. Plus he's still being investigated for the murders of last three girlfriends," said Charlie.

"_Overreacting_," said Sue.

"Yeah, we'll see," said Charlie. "I'm keeping my gun loaded anyways."

"You always keep it loaded, dad," Sue groaned as they pulled up to the house. "I'm going to bed."

Which, of course, she wasn't. She ran up to her room, opened the window, and sat down on her bed to wait. About two minutes later, a small object came soaring through the window, hitting her directly on the forehead with surprising force. After the stars vanished from Sue's vision, she looked down to see a ring in her lap. Already feeling dread rising in her, she read the small note attached to it. Which said, of course, "marry me."

Sue looked to her window to see Edward halfway through it. He paused in his struggles to give her a thumbs up.

She threw the ring back at him, hitting _him_ in the forehead, and sending him falling backwards. Sue managed to lean out her window in time to see him slam into the ground below.

"That would be a no?" he asked weakly.

"That would be a never!" shouted Sue.

"Not if you want sex," said Edward with a little more force. He sat up. "What's your problem, anyways?"

"Manufactured conflict!" Sue said, and then she slammed her window shut.

* * *

_Best proposal ever._

_I seriously sit down and say "I'm going to write something normal!" And then I get Alice's stolen cars. Oh well, what can you do? _

_In unrelated news, I hate Carlilse's name.  
_


	27. Of Things To Come

So yeah, everything in Sue's life pretty much went back to normal. For her. 'Cause most people wouldn't consider having a hundred-year-old-but-still-acts-like-the-angsty-seventeen-year-old-he's-pretending-to-be vampire staring at you every night normal.

The Cullens all came back school and sat alone at their lunch table like always. Sue joined them, clinging to Edward's arm and not-so-discreetly sticking her tongue out at the Fatty Brigade. Who ignored her. Because there have to be some people in this parody that actually act their age.

Sue was failing all her classes, but that was okay, because she could just bribe her way into an Ivy League School. Which is absolutely morally acceptable. But don't you even _think_ of having sex before marriage.

Of course, Charlie didn't exactly know about Sue's whole bribery plan. So he was slightly concerned. He was also slightly concerned about Sue's relationship with Edward, just because Edward basically screwed Sue over and turned her into a zombie for that indeterminate amount of time. Completely unreasonable of Charlie to hate Edward for a little thing like that. But yeah, it was kinda bad that Charlie hated Edward, 'cause Charlie was _the Police Chief of Sporks. _And Edward did commit crimes on a pretty regular basis. Which meant that Charlie got to lock him up in the Sporks Jail. Which was located in Sue's basement. Edward pretty much only ever got out to go to school. He also always managed to find a way to break out at night to go stare at Sue while she was sleeping.

So yeah, pretty much everything was back to normal, with one exception. Sue found herself missing that gorgeous set of abs that were attached to a boy by the name of Jacob Black. He was giving Sue the silent treatment, putting him on the same maturity level as most of the other characters. Sue had half a mind. She also had a half a mind to pull an Edward and show up in his bedroom.

One day after school, while Sue was waiting by the new carriage while Edward was fixing his hair, she called Jacob. And, just like always, she got the same message.

"Hello, you've reached Black Jacob. Not Jacob Black. So if you're a creepy stalker, just hang up now. And if it just so happens that you're named Sue, you should probably just go die in a fire. Like, now. If you're not one of the aforementioned people, well then, leave a message after the beep!"

Sue angrily slammed her phone shut, and then glared at Liaf, who was laughing quietly to himself. A few seconds later, Edward strutted up, his hair, as always, looking ridiculous. He quickly took in the scene, including the phone in Sue's hand, and Liaf laughing, and his face soured. "Talking to that animal still?" Edward sniffed, putting his backpack in the carriage.

"Yes," Sue said cautiously. "He's my friend."

Liaf snorted loudly. Sue sent another glare his way.

"Yeah whatever," said Edward. "You don't have friends."

Sue turned her glare on him. He raised his hands in front of himself and said defensively, "What? It's true! The only person who can tolerate you is _Alice. _ And Alice is not normal. Even among vampires she is not normal."

"Well, what about you?" Sue asked. "You're my boyfriend, and part of that implies _friend_, right?"

"No babe," said Edward dismissively. "I just like you for your body."

It was a frigid coach ride back to Sue's house.

"Oh hey," said Edward as they neared Sue's house, "that's probably not good."

"Huh?" said Sue, before the carriage came a screeching halt. As screeching of a halt as carriages can come to. "What is it—oh."

Through the rain, Sue could make out a figure. But not just any figure-a Charlie figure. A Charlie-with-a-gun figure. "That would be Charlie," said Sue, "with a gun."

"A loaded gun," added Liaf, just before a bullet got one of the horses. "Son of a *****!" Liaf swore. "Carlisle won't be happy."

"I think Charlie's mad at you," said Edward to Sue.

"MARY SUE!" Charlie bellowed, firing his gun into the air. "I am so mad at you!"

"See," said Edward.

"What did I do?" Sue shouted back, sticking her head momentarily out the window or the carriage before quickly ducking back in. Because her hair was getting wet. And 'cause Charlie had shot at her head. And missed. Bummer.

From behind Charlie, Jacob stepped out, wheeling Sue's red motorcycle. And smiling.

"Well, crap," said Sue.

"Hey, one man show this, you vampire son of a *****!" called Jacob triumphantly, making a rude gesture towards the carriage.

Edward snarled a little under his breath. "Can I kill him? Oh, pleeeeease can I kill him?" he begged of Sue.

"No," said Sue.

"How 'bout me?" asked Liaf, staring at his dead horse (Which the still living horse was lookign at nervously).

"No way," said Sue, "he's the plot for the next book."

"And he has nice abs," said Liaf.

"And he has nice abs," agreed Sue. "Er... wait—I didn't mean..."

"Sure," said Liaf. "We totally believe you. Now would you get out there in the pouring rain and deal with your lunatic of a father and that mutt before I lose another carriage?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sue grumbled, stepping out of the carriage with her hands in the air. Charlie lowered his gun-slightly. And then raised it when Edward came out. Sue threw herself in front of him.

"Dad!" she whined, "you promised you wouldn't shoot my boyfriends anymore!"

"And you promised that you wouldn't do anything stupid," retorted Charlie. "So I'm justified. I swear, next you're going to be having unprotected sex!"

"I'd just like to state for the record that bullets won't harm me," said Edward, "Though if they're silver, I'd advise using them on the werewolf."

"I'm a shapeshifter, you pasty freak," said Jacob. "Anyway, can I talk to you two for a second?"

"No!" yelled Charlie, "not until I'm done yelling at them!"

Jacob karate-chopped him in the cerebellum. Charlie fell over. "Run while he's stunned!" shouted Jacob. And they scattered into the woods.

They met up at a clearing a little ways into the woods. Jacob and Edward stood on opposite sides, staring each other down. Sue clung to Edward's arm, looking nervously between the two boys and coming up with crappy nonsensical Romeo and Juliet analogies in her head.

"Vampire," said. Jacob.

"Furry," said Edward.

"Didn't the last parody end with us having an argument too?" asked Jacob, giving voice to the deja vu they were all feeling.

"Yes," Edward said. "It seems we are destined for eternal conflict."

Jacob snorted. "Who talks like that? You sound like my grandpa—oh."

Edward glared at him. Awkward silence reigned in the clearing for a moment.

"Erm, anyways," said Jacob, clearing his throat. "I, uh, had some stuff to say. I didn't just come here to see you get killed by Charlie." This last part he addressed to Sue.

"Oh goody," said Edward. "I get to receive veiled threats from a dog. Well, regardless, may I remind you that things are very different this time around, mutt. You have had your fifteen minutes of fame, and now your time is past. It is once more about me, as it should be. You. Are. Finished."

But curiously, Sue noticed, Jacob did not seem perturbed. In fact, Sue could swear he seemed to be smiling faintly. "Is that so? We'll see," said Jacob. "For now, I just have some reminders."

"Yes, yes," said Edward with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Let's just get this over with."

Jacob glared, but continued speaking anyways. "First off, keep your weirdo sister from sneaking onto our land. Our drugs are our drugs, no matter how much she wants them."

"Right, whatever," said Edward, rolling his eyes.

"Next," said Jacob, "We are shapeshifters. Not werewolves. And you are not to refer to us as such."

"Yeah. Sure," said Edward. "Mutt."

"Finally," said Jacob, clearing his throat. "You can't vamp her, so take that, you arrogant son of a bat."

Sue cursed loudly. Edward and Jacob both look at her, eyebrows raised.

"Jacob Black," said she, "If you stop me from becoming beautiful, I will tear your tail off and feed it to you."

"Um," said Jacob.

"Are we clear?" Sue threatened, throwing off Edward's arm and putting both hands on her hips.

"Um," said Jacob again. "You seriously wanted to end up like that?" He gestured to Edward, who was sparkling in the sunlight filtering through the trees.

"Yeah," snarled Sue, "Ya got a problem with that?"

"If by 'got a problem' you mean 'am I going to rip out the jugulars of all the Cullens if that happens,' then yes, I've got a problem," said Jacob with a shrug.

"Oh," said Sue, "that doesn't sound good."

"Yeah, kinda," said Edward. "So, um, yeah I'm just gunna kinda get outta here and go try and find a loophole to this whole treaty thing. C'mon, Heroin."

He grabbed Sue's arm and began dragging her off. But before she was entirely out of sight, she turned to to Jacob, and caught one final sight of him. He was smiling.

And then she was gone.

* * *

**IN AN EVIL LAIR FAR, FAR, AWAY (AS IN NOT THAT FAR AWAY)**

"I delivered the warning," said he.

"Good, good," said she with a low chuckle, "and how did they respond?"

"With tremendous angst, just as you suspected. Now there will be even more conflict in this warped little threesome we've got going."

"Excellent," said she, standing up to stare out of her big dramatic windows. "This will serve nicely as a distraction."

"Yes," said he, "and while they're distracted, we can focus on our main objective."

"Indeed." said she. "Soon, Edward Cullen will be dead!"

Their combined laughter echoed over the dark rainy forest below.

* * *

_Oh dear. Things are happening. _

_Well, anyways, here ends _Taylor Lautner Shirtless!_ Crazy stuff, that. I'm now half-way through the _twilight _series. So yay me. And yay readers. I am, as always, grateful to you guys. _

_My parody of _too-cool-for-a-capital-e-clipse_ will premier next week, same time as always. Just keep an eye out for a weird title. _

_Well, I think that's all, so till next time, everyone!_


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